


Here We Are, Now Entertain Us

by thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Band Fic, Blood, Explicit Sexual Content, Fist Fights, Fluff, Gratuitous Singing, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Music, Self-Indulgent, Sexual Content, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2020-11-24 01:42:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20899574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes/pseuds/thegirlwiththeprettybrowneyes
Summary: Neil Josten is a tired busker with perfect pitch and quick fingers. He's been running for a long time, but he can't escape the strings of his past.Andrew Minyard is the drummer of the infamous Kevin Day's new band, Checkmate. His life has been tumultuous, but all he can do is try to keep a steady beat.It's a Band AU Baby! So the question is:Are YOU ready to rock?





	1. Chapter 1

Busking was an art, not a science

It took a certain eye to tell which corners people would frequent the most, which law enforcement officers would turn a blind eye, and if they refused, what song might pacify them into silence. 

Busking in busy parks called for covers, top forty hits took too long to learn,and by the time Neil did, they’d already faded from the public eye, so Neil stuck to dad rock and fan-favorites.

Busking at night in the city, Neil covered oldies, drunk people would throw their money at anyone who could pull at those nostalgia-controlled heartstrings. Trends came and went, but everyone liked the Beatles.

In suburban areas, Neil played the kinds of indie hits that played on the radio, people seemed to appreciate new things that didn’t challenge them too much.

Still, as much fun as busking was (and as much money as it made him), Neil’s favorite place to perform was onstage, open mic nights in seedy bars were where Neil played his favorite music. The songs he wrote, or the songs he wished he had written. 

Currently, Neil’s favorite band was Checkmate. Kevin Day’s new band, after he left Edgar Allen. With a band willing to foster his talents, Kevin’s music was consistently better than it had been before, but the publicity wasn’t on Kevin’s side, and his new stuff wasn’t getting as much radio play. Palmetto was a smaller record company, so it made sense, but Neil’s heart ached for anyone who hadn’t listened to the entirety of  _ Cut To The Quick _ .

Currently, Neil was singing a song off their first album,  _ Kings and Queens _ . The song, rebellious and bitter, was called  _ Gladiator _ . He strummed his electric, and the amp echoed the sound across the bar over the sounds of clinking glasses and chatter. The bar was pretty full for a tuesday night, but Neil supposed alcoholism must run stronger in some places than others. The song was supposed to have a light, bouncing drumline, it took some of the edge off the lyrics and it made the song easier to dance to, but with only the guitar, the song was rough and raw and sad and Neil’s voice was the focal point of the performance, bringing the lyrics into sharper focus.

Neil brought his lips to the microphone

_ “Guess I shouldn’t be surprised _

_ The pit’s the only place that wanted me _

_ They’re always hiring there, _

_ Because there’s always a new vacancy _

_ But still, I really thought _

_ Someone out there’d have a word for me _

_ Except goodbye _

_ Except goodbye.” _

Neil launched into the next set of chords, he lost himself in the strings and gradually came back to himself to sing the next verse.

“ _ I’ve been learning how to fight _

_ Ever since the world decided  _

_ Being happy wasn’t good enough _

_ Did what the rules provided _

_ And now my friends won’t talk to me _

_ I’ll never see my family _

_ I’m sure to die, oh _

_ Sure to die _ ”

Neil tried not to scream the chorus, but god, he wanted to.

“ _ I’ll be a gladiator now _

_ I'll take my enemies down _

_ I'll rise, I'll rise _

_ Who cares if I'm only on top for a day? _

_ And I am a gladiator now _

_ Kiss the sky before you go down _

_ Say your goodbyes _

_ I'll be gone tomorrow anyway _ "

The chorus was stolen away by another sweeping instrumental, and the guitar was heavy in Neil's hands. This wasn't part of the song, which launched into another repeat of the chorus, but Neil like this ending better, it gave him a chance to show off, and catch his breath after the chorus.

He ended with a flourish and a grin. He got a passable round of applause. Not big enough to mean anyone noticed him, not small enough to be a pity clap. Perfect.

A small tweed hat got passed around for anyone who wanted to tip him. Neil looked in once it made the rounds back to him. Twelve cents and a receipt. 

He pocketed the twelve cents.

Neil hopped unceremoniously offstage and moved to hit the road. He had a long night ahead of him.

"Hey!" Someone called as Neil was packing up. A tall, older man. Neil pulled a small knife from the trunk of his car and hid it behind him. "Hey! You're the Checkmate guy!"

Neil frowned. "I'm not in Checkmate… but yeah."

"Okay, this is going to sound very weird, but, do you want this?" The man stuck out a ticket to Checkmate's next concert in South Carolina, a 13-hour drive away. "I won it in a sweepstakes, but I don't have the time or money to go, and you're obviously a fan, so maybe you'd like to?" the man pressed the ticket into Neil's palm. "Here, take it. You don't have to go, but you should have the option."

The man turned and walked back inside.

* * *

Andrew Minyard was tired. Tired of practice, tired of performing. Tired of heavy makeup around his eyes and the smell of sweat and being seen every goddamn second of every goddamn day. He tied on a medical mask with a leery grin painted onto the front. His first gift from a fan.

"I wish you wouldn't wear that." Kevin complains.

Andrew looks at him in the mirror. "Why? I'm not singing tonight." He was never singing. Kevin should stop asking.

"You could." Kevin said. "You should."

Andrew ignored him.

"You have real talent."

Andrew ignored him.

"I don't know why you stopped."

Andrew frowned and turned around slowly. "Give it up Kevin."

Kevin walked out of the dressing room. 

Andrew sighed and haphazardly smudged on some eyeshadow. The mask in his reflection grinned at him in the mirror. Andrew turned away. He got up and walked out to the wings of the stage. Their second opener, foxes, was working the crowd.

Allison Reynolds was a dynamic leading lady, and her "boyfriend", Seth Gordon complemented her on the bass, no matter if they were fighting or not. Dan Wilds played guitar, and she was by far the most talented, her self-taught background meshed with her later classical training.

Matt Boyd, Dan's fiance,kept the group together with a steady beat on and off stage. His charisma and easy grin made him an audience favorite, rare for a drummer.

Andrew would never admit he was jealous.

Nicky knocked something over behind him and Andrew rolled his eyes before turning around. "You ready?"

"I guess" Andrew huffed as he heard Foxes close up their set.

The lights on stage went dark as Foxes got off. Checkmate quickly got into place in the dark. Andrew took his place at the drum set completely unbeknownst to the crowd. Hiding in plain sight.

Kevin took a deep breath and stepped into his stage persona. He straightened his back. All doubt and fear faded from his face. 

Nicky strummed his guitar once and the sound reverberated through the theater. The lights went up as the last of the chord faded out, the audience cheered, raucously. Nicky laughed "Helloooo South Carolina!"

Another cheer from the crowd. The band waited for the crowd to go mostly silent. Kevin opened his arms wide, and the motion was magnetic, commanding every eye in the room. He leaned forward, as if about to tell the room a secret. Andrew watched the crowd lean forward to hear whatever it was.

This was one of Kevin's pre-show gimmicks, he did it every single show. It didn't stop Andrew from being captivated every single time. Kevin breathed out a laugh and grinned and Andrew felt it in his soul. Andrew lifted his drumsticks to count along, holding his breath.

"A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four."

* * *

Neil got into South Carolina two hours after the concert ended. He could have made it in time if he had wanted to, but something about seeing Kevin Day again, even from the safety of a large crowd, made him queasy.

Neil finally pulled into what looked like a busy city. He parked in a small, free parking lot and pulled the ticket out of his glove compartment. He stared at it for a second, mourning his opportunity, memorizing the words on the piece of paper.

Neil sighed and ripped it to pieces. No good dwelling on lost dreams.

Neil checked the time. 9:00 pm.

Busking hours.

He grabbed his acoustic from the trunk and walked to find a good street corner. He found a good spot and tuned up the guitar.

Tuning had already gathered up a small crowd.

Neil plucked out the opening notes to _Here Comes The Sun_ and heard a small "whoo!" from the crowd.

Worked every time.

* * *

Andrew packed the last of the equipment into the tour bus and didn't wait for Kevin to come find him. He called a cab and got out into the city. 

These were the times that Andrew looked forward to. Alone in a new city at night. Anonymous. He could be anyone here, do anything. True freedom was barely anyone knowing your name, and those that did, not quite sure if they should approach you. The benefits of a sordid reputation.

Andrew was looking for a bar. It was late enough now that there was no one out anymore, but Andrew head the tell-tale sound of an acoustic guitar.

He followed the sound around a corner when he saw the busker across the street. The gold streetlight set the man's red hair on fire and caught his stark cheekbones. Andrew breathed in sharply. He pulled out his phone and snapped a quick photo, not knowing why.

There was no one around besides Andrew and the busker, and the busker was too focused on the guitar to see that Andrew was there. There was an open guitar case at his feet.

Suddenly, the man strummed a chord, playing for nobody but himself. He hummed, his voice clear and strong, the single note carrying across the still road shifted into a complicated riff. He strummed a few chords and Andrew recognized the song.

" _ When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me _

_ Speaking words of wisdom, let it be _ "

The man sang like he was looking for absolution, head thrown back, eyes closed. Beautiful in the city lights and asphalt.

" _ And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me _

_ Speaking words of wisdom, let it be _ "

Andrew found himself tapping out the beat on the ground with his foot, slow and steady. He hadn't done this since before Kevin Day had found him.

" _ Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be _

_ Whisper words of wisdom, let it be _ ."

The man's voice moved Andrew to cross the street, try to get closer to the music.

" _ And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree _

_ There will be an answer, let it be _

_ For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see _

_ There will be an answer, let it be _ "

Andrew was standing by the performer now, a few feet away. The closer he got, the more he thought he was hallucinating. He hadn't hallucinated in years, but something about this was too good, too fuzzy around the edges.

" _ Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be _

_ Whisper words of wisdom, let it be _ ,"

Andrew, without knowing it, opened his mouth to sing along.

" _ And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me _ "

The man's eyes startled open, but his hands didn't falter. Andrew had started, he couldn't stop now, he kept singing

" _ Shine until tomorrow, let it be _

_ I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me _

_ Speaking words of wisdom, let it be _ "

The man smiled softly and Andrew felt a thrill of… something roll in his chest. The man joined back in, pitched a third up, a perfect harmony.

" _ Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be _

_ There will be an answer, let it be _

_ Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be _

_ There will be an answer, let it be _

_ Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be _

_ Whisper words of wisdom, let it be _ ,"

The last note faded out and they stayed quiet until the final strains of it could no longer be heard in the air.

"You're good." Andrew said, dry.

"You're Andrew Minyard."

Andrew raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

The man slowly put his guitar in the case without bothering to count the money in it and zipped it up. 

He stood, slung his case over his shoulder and took a good, searching look at Andrew. Andrew returned the favor. The man was more tangible when he wasn't singing. He looked more solid now, more real. 

The man breathed in, as if about to speak, then he turned in the other direction and took off running.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing that Neil hadn't considered when he ran away from Andrew Minyard, critically acclaimed drummer of  _ Checkmate _ , was that Andrew Minyard, critically acclaimed drummer of  _ Checkmate _ , would give chase.

The second thing that Neil hadn't considered when he ran away from Andrew Minyard, critically acclaimed drummer of  _ Checkmate _ , was that Andrew Minyard, critically acclaimed drummer of  _ Checkmate _ , could run almost as fast as him.

The keyword there, thankfully, was almost.

Neil got to the parking lot and floored it before Andrew could catch up with him. He watched the man grow small and disappear in his rearview mirror. 

Neil pulled out his phone at a stoplight and pressed shuffle. Any song could have played on his phone. The song that did play was one of  _ Checkmate _ 's oldest. The constant bass line of  _ Heartbeat _ reverberated in Neil's shitty car. It was a sad song. Most of  _ Checkmate _ 's songs were sad songs, but this song wasn't just sad. It was also a love song. One of the only songs with vocals by Nicky Hemmick. Nicky was not as good a singer as Kevin was, but his voice was full of the kind of sadness that this song required. Kevin Day could pull off many emotions with his voice, but lovesick was not one of them.

" _ All I want is a beating heart in my chest _

_ All I want is a beating heart _

_ To make sound into the silence, _

_ Sound into the silence. _

_ All I want is a beating heart in my chest, love, _

_ All I want is you _ ."

Neil turned the music off before the drums kicked in. He could not bear a reminder of Andrew Minyard tonight. Neil wondered what might have happened had he stayed and talked to Andrew. 

Andrew's face had been full of… something complicated that Neil couldn't describe. A kind of pain maybe. Neil was almost tempted to call it yearning. His voice had shaken on the words.  _ You're good _ .

Andrew Minyard thought he was good. Andrew Minyard had sung with him. Andrew Minyard could sing.

Neil wondered why Andrew hadn't ever sung on any of Checkmate's songs. He was credited as a songwriter on almost all of them. There were demos somewhere of Andrew singing all of Checkmate's songs. Neil was suddenly taken with the desire to hear Andrew sing the words  _ All I want is a beating heart in my chest, love, all I want is you.  _ Neil could almost hear it. Andrew's clear voice pitched low with longing. 

_ All I want is a beating heart in my chest, love, all I want is you. _

Neil shook his head, snapping himself out of it.

Neil had had a stupid faraway crush on Andrew Minyard for years now. The only reason it worked was because the odds of meeting Andrew Minyard were supposed to be 0%. 

The key word there was  _ supposed _ .

Jesus christ. It was beginning to sink in. Neil had been two feet away from Andrew Fucking Minyard. 

He hadn't done anything stupid, thankfully. He'd done exactly what he should have. Run away.

His mother would have been proud. 

God. Two feet away from Andrew Minyard. Two feet away from the most beautiful man in the world.

Neil was sad to admit, this might have been the best night of his life.

* * *

Nine Months Later

///////////

Andrew Minyard stood on the roof, burning his third journal of love songs. Out of the three journals, he had picked 3 songs that would go in the album. The rest would go up in smoke. There were of course, the twelve other songs from his usual loud-angry-music-for-the-miserable-and-depressed journal.

Andrew didn't like writing love songs, but the label did. And so did the press, apparently. For  _ Checkmate _ 's second album, Andrew had written a song for his then-boyfriend Roland, where he had all but come out to the public. Instead, his lyric " _ the rainbow freedom of being with you _ " had been plastered over a dozen different magazines over pictures of him and his rainbow-haired colleague Renee. 

It was one of the reasons that Roland had dumped him. He hadn't liked being a dirty little secret. That and Andrew's emotional unavailability. 

Roland was happily married now, living with his husband somewhere in Texas. Andrew tried to visit whenever they toured there. They were still friends, despite the history.

Andrew had grown a lot from the pissy jerk he'd been when dating Roland. He'd learned (through trial and error and a lot of therapy) from his (numerous) mistakes.

He still didn't like writing love songs.

_ Checkmate _ had grown too. They'd gotten bigger and better through Andrew's growth. He liked to think that his songs were the reason, but they had all gotten better with Kevin's stupidly rigorous training. Andrew tossed the journal into the fire. It caught immediately. He tried to see the words he had written in the smoke, but all he could see were wisps of gray.

He stood there, watching the fire slowly starve and die. The pile of burnt notebooks stared up at him. One page remaining, stubbornly unburnt, read " _ You are the truth, shining like sunrise _ ." An image of red hair, cheekbones stark like marble, a mouth open in song. Andrew kicked the unburnt page into the dying fire and for a moment it roared up again with second life. But then it died again. Black and burnt and no longer beautiful. The best way to dispose of secrets.

Andrew hadn't thought of the busker from South Carolina much in the nine months since the band had left, but the encounter made its way into Andrew's mind from time to time. Andrew wasn't quite sure it had actually happened, the entire experience had the hazy feel of a dream, or a hallucination. Singing with the boy, then chasing him, only to watch him disappear into the distance in a shitty car. Andrew was pretty sure it wasn't real, his brain had just manufactured the perfect man and then taunted Andrew with the idea. 

Andrew wanted it to be real.

The boy had known his name.  _ You're Andrew Minyard _ . He had said the name like it held power. Maybe a prayer. Maybe a curse. He was probably just a fan. But then why had he run?

Andrew shook his head, there was no use in going down the same road over and over again and expecting it to lead somewhere different.

He descended the stairs into the recording studio. The band was set up for practice by the time he came down. Aaron and Nicky were still driving over, but Kevin was watching a video and Andrew lurked over his shoulder, waiting for Kevin to notice.

The video was of a man busking. A familiar man busking. It was the busker from South Carolina.

"Who's that?" Andrew asked.

Kevin jumped "Jesus Christ!" He scowled up at Andrew "when are you going to stop doing that?

"When it stops being fun." Andrew answered truthfully. "Who is that?"

Kevin blinked, surprised, but pleased that Andrew was finally taking an interest in music. Andrew wanted to warn him not to get used to it, but just waited for Kevin to answer.

"His name is Neil Josten. He's going to be in the band." Kevin said. 

The words did not make sense. Andrew blinked once. Twice. The words still did not make sense. "What?"

"He's going to be in the band. I was going to tell everyone today. Wymack found him, and he's rough, but he's passionate. We're going to try and track him down, and then he's going to be in the band." Kevin said. "I mean, he doesn't know that he's going to be in the band yet, but why would he say no?"

Andrew frowned. "And what if we said no?"

"Who?"

"Me, Nicky, and Aaron. You know, the three other members of the band?"

Kevin blinked as if the thought genuinely hadn't crossed his mind. "We need someone on guitar."

"Nicky's on guitar."

Kevin shook his head. "He's better on keyboard and we all know it."

Andrew frowned. Kevin was right, but he was still springing a decision on them. "Alright. Ask them then."

When Nicky and Aaron finally arrived, they weren't on board.

"I don't know Kevin." Nicky said.

"Yeah, we don't even know who this guy is." Aaron agreed. Andrew did. Andrew knew.

"Wymack found him"

"Like that tells us anything!" Aaron argued.

While the rest of the band was talking, Andrew was reeling. It was real. The boy was real. Neil Josten. It was strange, having a name attached to the memory made it real, somehow, more tangible.

Kevin finally conceded and unplugged his headphones, turning up the volume on the phone. The audio quality was terrible, but even through that, anyone could hear the skill with which Neil played. Then he began to sing and Andrew’s breath caught in his throat. It was  _ Heartbeat _ , one of his songs.

“ _ All I want is a beating heart in my chest _

_ All I want is a beating heart _

_ To make sound into the silence, _

_ Sound into the silence. _

_ All I want is a beating heart in my chest, love, _

_ All I want is you.” _ Neil’s fingers plucked the strings quickly and deftly. Andrew had been forced to simplify the song so that Nicky could play it, but Neil had written a quick, complicated riff to keep his hands occupied. It sounded good. Better than the studio version even. Aaron still wasn't convinced, but Nicky was starting to catch on. The corners of his lips twitched up with hope. It might have helped that this was one of his favorite songs to perform. It reminded him of his boyfriend, Erik. On the phone, Neil was still singing. He had skipped the first chorus, jumped straight into the second verse.

" _ All I want is the safety of your arms around me _

_ All I want is the safety of your arms _

_ To keep me warm into the night _

_ Keep warm into the night _

_ All I want is the safety of your arms around me, _

_ The surefire safety of you _ ."

Aaron rolled his eyes, this song had always sounded cheesy to him, but he couldn't deny the kid's skill.

Andrew wasn't paying attention to his skill, but to his voice. There was something captivating about the fullness of his voice, the way he rounded his vowels maybe.  _ You're Andrew Minyard _ echoed in his head again.

The song cut off, incomplete, but the band had heard enough.

"He's good." Andrew said. A vote of confidence, but not an agreement to let him join.

Aaron looked at him and acquiesced. "He can hold a tune."

"If he's on guitar…" Nicky started.

"You'll be on keyboard full-time." Kevin explained.

Nicky nodded, a pleased smile spreading across his face. "Alright, I'm on board."

Aaron rolled his eyes. Nicky had always had too much sway over him. "Fine. Yeah. He can join."

All eyes were on Andrew now. He had been outvoted, but somehow his vote always seemed to count triple. Andrew felt a familiar thrill down his spine. Neil Josten. 

If he said yes, he was giving a vote of confidence to someone he supposedly hadn't met before. Off brand for him, the band would know something was up.

If he said no, Neil wouldn't join the band.

Andrew shrugged and did what many on his position did when making a difficult decision. Shirk the responsibility onto someone else. "If Neil says yes."

Kevin scoffed "There's no way he'll say no."

* * *

"No." Neil said simply, packing up his guitar and preparing to run. Kevin Day was here.  _ Kevin Day _ was here. Kevin Day was  _ here _ .

Unfortunately, there was nowhere to run. He was surrounded. To his right, Aaron Minyard, to his left, Nicky Hemmick

He picked up his case and swiveled around only to be arrested by hazel eyes. Andrew Minyard looked at him blankly and deadpanned "Better luck next time."

"Fuck you," Neil scowled. God he looked good. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"Why would Andrew have anything to do with this?" Nicky asked. He was looking wildly between Andrew and Neil, trying to deduce the connection.

Andrew looked at Nicky slowly, giving him nothing. Neil's frown deepened. He wasn't going to let Kevin Day and his stupid band play dumb. Neil crossed his arms "We've met."

Nicky turned accusing eyes on Andrew. "You have?"

Andrew shrugged, languid. Neil wanted him to break, show a little emotion. "In South Carolina. As I recall you wanted nothing to do with me."

Neil spoke without thinking. "That's not true!" He was too loud. Too quick. If pressed, he would say that he was just a fan, no matter how hard his heart was beating right now.

"You ran three city blocks away from me to your car and then literally sped away." Andrew said, finally dropping the act. It wasn't much, just a slight uptick in voice, so small that no one else could hear, but Neil caught it. 

"I'm-" Neil scrambled for an excuse. "shy!"

Andrew frowned. Well, no he didn't, his brow furrowed a millimeter. But Neil was going to interpret it as a frown because otherwise, Andrew had been expressionless for the whole conversation. "You're shy."

"Yep." Neil said simply.

"You perform for complete strangers on a daily basis!" Kevin interrupted. Neil swiveled back around to face him, forgetting for a moment that Kevin could recognize him at any second.

Neil gestured to Andrew, "That's not a complete stranger, that's the best songwriter in the world!"

Kevin closed his mouth. Neil, embarrassed, closed his mouth. Nicky opened his mouth, delighted. "You're a fan?"

"Of course I'm a fan. You're here because you saw that stupid video of me singing  _ Heartbeat _ , right?" Neil asked. He had begged the bar that recorded him to take the video down, but it had already generated enough buzz that it wouldn't have done any good. 

"Best songwriter in the world..." Andrew repeated, vaguely wonderstruck, or at least, Neil guessed so. This at least, was familiar, a version of the awe from that South Carolina night.  _ You're good _ .

"Fuck." Neil muttered. He was ruining this, he was so ruining this. 

"Tsk, tsk, Neil. Now, is that any way to speak to the best songwriter in the world?" Andrew said with his blank faced version of a shit-eating grin. Neil was going to die. 

“Andrew, enough.” Kevin said, like he was worried Neil would get the wrong impression. Neil was pretty sure he already had the wrong impression, and had Kevin really not recognized him yet?

Neil’s eyes caught Kevin’s, searching for some spark of knowledge. Nothing. Neil turned back to the rest of the group, trying to break out of the circle of people surrounding him, and tamping down the rising hope in his chest. Every second that went by with Kevin not knowing who he was a second that sent Neil closer to accepting the offer.

“I can’t join  _ Checkmate _ .” Neil said. “I’m not good enough”

“True, but irrelevant.” Kevin didn’t let up.”You can learn. We can teach you.”

Neil shook his head.

“Come on!” Kevin asked, almost pleading, and it sent an icicle through Neil’s heart.

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Kevin. I’m not joining the band.” Neil muttered, growing into the ice. He felt his back straighten itself to its full height, which was admittedly, not much, but it was enough.

“Give it a chance.”

“ _ No _ .” Neil said, and tried to use his guitar case to push through. 

Kevin grabbed it and looked Neil in the eye. “Why not?”

“I just can’t.” Neil said, praying that Kevin would just take the denial.

"What are you running from?" Asked a gravelly voice from behind them. Andrew. 

Neil turned to find himself once again, two feet from Andrew Minyard. Twice in a year. He could die happy now. The question registered in his mind. He searched for a way to answer. "I love this band. More than you'll ever know, this offer is a dream come true." Neil said. Andrew waited for him to answer the question. "Now imagine something big enough to make me give that dream up. That's what I'm running from."

"We've handled worse." Andrew said, almost immediately.

"I didn't even tell you what it was?"

Andrew shrugged. "Doesn't matter. We've handled worse. Join the band. I won't ask twice."

Neil looked around at the faces of the other band members. Kevin and Nicky were looking at him, waiting for an answer. Aaron though, Aaron was looking at Andrew, fuming.

Neil looked back at Andrew. "And if they come for me?"

"Wymack will help you." Andrew said, shrugging, detached.

Neil's chest hurt with how much he wanted to say yes.  _ Mother, forgive me _ . "A year. I'll give it a year. We'll see from there."

"Done." Kevin said, relieved.

Neil was still looking at Andrew, who was walking out. Neil kept his eyes on him as he disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS IT'S A SLOW BURN
> 
> I'm gonna be real with you this is probably the worst ting I've written in a while but say lah vee done is better than perfect


	3. Chapter 3

Neil's prospective studio apartment was the most average looking room Andrew had seen in his life. Maybe slightly below average. There were some rust stains on the walls that had pipes in them. But even after seeing all of that, Neil looked happy. Proud. The expression, whatever it was, lit up his features, made him handsome in his awe.

So he was either stupid or pathetic.

Andrew knew he was being harsh, but the other option was being smitten, and that… that wasn't going to happen. It was fine to pine over the wind-tossed, road-weary, redhead that he'd met for five minutes, that man was an abstract concept, a wish, a pipe dream. His new bandmate, Neil Josten, was a very real person. Probably. He still hadn't found any online proof that Neil Josten was his real name. Talent may have been enough for Wymack, but Andrew wasn't in the habit of giving special treatment. In any case, feelings were out of the question. Andrew wasn't stupid.

Neil Josten might have been stupid, but he had taken in the dusty, cobwebbed corners, the terrible grout of the bathroom tiles, same as Andrew. Neil Josten wasn't naive, he knew this was a piece of shit apartment. Still, after a single once-over, Neil turned to Kevin, and said "this is the one".

Kevin wrinkled his nose "Neil. You cannot buy this apartment."

Andrew had been forced to come along with Kevin to take Neil house-shopping since Neil had no one to take him, Kevin felt bad about dragging him away from his old life, and Andrew has to watch Kevin. 

Neil seemed genuinely distressed. "Why?"

"It's the first place we've looked at!"

"It's cheap, it's a five minute walk to the studio, and there's a bar downstairs, which means I can practice as much as I want when I get home and I won't get noise complaints!" Neil put together a pretty convincing argument, but it was an argument that might have been helped by this apartment having any real good qualities whatsoever.

“You have a car.” Kevin argued back. “And we can drive you if you can’t make it.”

“I like running,” Neil shrugged.

Kevin sighed like he’d figured out what the real problem was. Andrew couldn’t wait to see what Kevin thought was wrong. “Money isn’t an issue, Neil,” Andrew flicked his gaze over to where Neil looked unmoved. So Kevin’s guess was wrong then.

Neil shrugged. “Then I’ll move later” 

“Come on, Neil, let us find you a better place to stay.” Kevin pleaded. 

Andrew though Neil might take Kevin up on the offer, but instead, he looked up, a steely glint in his eye. “You dragged me here. I didn’t have to join this band. The least you can do is let me choose where I fucking sleep, Kevin.” Smart. Playing to Kevin’s guilt about the situation. Andrew had to quickly reconfigure his mental image of Neil Josten. Pretty, talented, and sharp as a fucking knife. Dangerous. Intriguing. Irresistible.

Kevin didn’t know what to do with the challenge, he shook his head. “We have practice soon. We’ll talk about this later, come on.”

Neil walked past Andrew without saying a word. Kevin lingered in the apartment. “What do you think?”

“I think the apartment’s shit, but you really should let him do what he wants.” Andrew answered truthfully.

“No,” Kevin said. “About Neil. What do you think?”

Andrew looked down at the stairs where Neil’s receding form had disappeared and decided to lean into pessimism. “I don’t think he’ll last a week.”

“I’m serious.” Kevin pressed. This was a thing that Andrew liked about Kevin. Kevin and Andrew were about the same level of pessimistic, Kevin could tell when Andrew’s heart wasn’t quite in it.

Andrew looked at him. Kevin was silhouetted by the light streaming into the room from the window. Andrew took another look, past Kevin and around the apartment, trying to see what Neil had seen. Something about the light made the place seem larger than it actually was. Andrew could hear the clinking glasses at the bar downstairs. Up here they sounded mysterious and far away. Sure. This could be a home, with some love. But in Andrew’s opinion, it wasn’t worth the effort

Kevin was still waiting for Andrew’s answer, and this was another thing that Andrew liked about Kevin. Andrew could take as long as he wanted to answer a question and all Kevin cared about was that there would be an answer eventually. “I think he’s trouble. I think he’s impulsive and blunt and prone to running from his problems. But I also think he’s good, and I think that if we can keep him, we’ll be better for it.”

Kevin looked down the stairs. “We’re going to be late for practice.”

Andrew nodded and let Kevin climb down the stairs. He took one more look at the apartment. God. It really was terrible. He wondered why Neil liked it.

* * *

Neil walked into the recording studio and immediately knew he hadn’t made a mistake in coming here.The walls were padded in ridiculous orange, but there were instruments in the middle of the room. Beautiful, expensive, shiny, clean instruments. Nicky and Aaron were already here, Aaron was turning his bass and Nicky was playing something on the piano with a kind of natural skill, like this was the only instrument he had ever wanted to play. Nicky sang loudly, unoccupied with hitting notes of any kind, but hitting each syllable in a significant way that sounded like music anyway. It took Neil a moment to realize it was a modified version of Billy Joel’s  _ Piano Man _

“ _ It’s two o’clock in the practice room, _

_ And I am the only one here. _

_ And so I assume that Kevin _

_ Has been found dead and covered in beer _ ,”

Neil snorted and Nicky stopped abruptly. "Hi Nicky."

Nicky sighed "I thought you were Kevin. Did he tell you what we're doing here today?"

"Nope, I'm coming in blind." 

Nicky smiled "Today you're auditioning."

"What?" Neil had thought he was already in the band.

"You've definitely got the job, this is just a formality. We've got to make sure you're as good live as you are on camera. Also, we’d be playing with you, seeing how good you mesh with the rest of us."

It was unexpected. Still, the news came as a comfort. This was something familiar to Neil, this was transactional. And it was another way out. If Neil blew this, then he could go on his merry way and forget this town and the terrible, tiny apartment above the bar that he wanted so badly. "Okay."

Kevin and Andrew were in soon enough. Andrew surveyed the space, saw that everyone was there to start practice, and fixed his searching gaze on Neil. 

Neil turned his guitar and took stock of everyone in the room. Kevin was on the phone with Wymack, he didn't have any instruments to prepare, not anymore. Neil caught a glimpse of his hands, scarred and stiff. Up close, it was clear that no skiing accident had done that.

"Hey, rabbit." Andrew called from the other side of the room "quit ogling Kevin and tune your guitar."

Neil did, quickly and quietly. Suddenly, Andrew was sitting very close to him. Neil could feel the heat of Andrew's breath on his ear. "Okay, so here's what's going to happen. I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen. I don't trust you. You don't add up. You're either very very stupid, or very very smart and neither bodes very well for you. Either way, what I think doesn't matter, because you're talented, and Kevin likes you. He wants you in the band, and so, I have put a lot of time and effort into getting you here."

Neil was confused. "Thank you?"

"I'm not telling you this because I'm trying to pump up your ego." Andrew scowled "I'm trying to tell you that if you fuck this audition up on purpose, I'm going to make you regret wasting my time."

"Okay Neil," Kevin said from where he had finished his call. "Are you ready?"

Neil nodded. 

"Okay so Nicky explained it to you. I just sent you a list of songs. Do you know any?"

Neil checked his phone and didn't question how Kevin knew his number. One song in particular caught his eye. "Yeah."

"Do you want to sing or should I?" 

Neil shrugged "Does it matter?"

"Andrew's gonna write songs for you too." Kevin said "we want to know what you sound like. Cue the band in when you're ready."

Neil nodded and took a deep breath. "One. Two. One, two, three, four." He strummed the first riff. He waited a few beats and did it again. Andrew was already at the drumset. The third time Neil strummed the riff, and like clockwork, Aaron and Andrew joined in on bass and beat. Neil, despite himself, grinned. It had been so long since he'd played with other people.

" _ Darling, you've got to let me know _ ." 

Neil addressed the lyric to Andrew, who's hands didn't falter when he realized Neil was singing to him. He seemed bored. Goddamn it he was a good drummer. Neil decided then and there that Andrew Minyard could shove it. 

" _ Should I stay or should I go? _

_ If you say that you are mine, _

_ I'll be here till the end of time. _

_ So you've got to let me know. _

_ Should I stay or should I go?" _

Neil, in any other circumstance, would have shave the romantic edge off of the words, deliver them flatly. This time, Neil leaned into it, batting his eyes in mock-flirtation. 

Nicky chimed in on the keyboard. Somehow, the addition of the keyboard made the song seem fuller, and Nicky was having a great time. Neil sent him a wink.

" _ It's always tease, tease, tease. _

_ You're happy when I'm on my knees." _

Neil dropped suddenly to his knees. From his place in the room, Nicky let out a surprised yelp. Andrew was less impressed.

" _ One day it's fine and next is black _ ."

Neil jumped to his feet. He would have flipped Andrew, had his hands not been otherwise occupied.

"So if you want me off your back."

Neil spun to face Kevin. Kevin was trying to tamp down a smile. Neil grinned wholeheartedly back at him.

" _ Come on and let me know, _

_ Should I stay or should I go?" _

Neil could no longer fight the urge to let the music carry him, with the change in tempo, Neil closed his eyes and let his fingers fly surely over the frets.

" _ Should I stay or should I go now? _

_ Should I stay or should I go now? _

_ If I go, there will be trouble _

_ And if I stay it will be double _

_ So come on and let me know _ ."

Neil slowed back down, came back to himself. He couldn't keep doing this. Things like this would get him caught. He decided to finish the song early.

" _ Should I stay or should I go _ ."

Andrew was the only one who adapted quickly enough. He stopped abruptly, while Nicky and Aaron trailed off. Kevin frowned at the abrupt ending. "You stopped."

"I thought I'd shown you enough. Sorry, should I keep going?"

Kevin shook his head. "No, no, you were good. Welcome to the band."

Nicky  _ woo _ ed appreciatively.

"I'm cutting practice short today. Wymack needs me for some things, but we meet same time tomorrow. Be prepared to work."

Andrew stood up with a crash and walked to the stairs. There was nowhere to go but the roof. Neil stood to follow.

"I wouldn't if I were you." Aaron said. 

Neil turned to face him. "I need to talk to him."

Aaron looked like he wanted to dissuade Neil, but he just shrugged. "Your funeral."

Neil went up to the roof. Andrew was smoking a cigarette.

"No wonder you don't sing on record." Neil observed coldly.

"I don't come up here to be lectured." Andrew did not turn, Neil took a selfish moment to study the curve of his lips around the cigarette.

"Look, I don't want to fight. I don't know what you think I'm here to do, but I swear, I just want to-"

Suddenly, Andrew was standing close to Neil and there was something cold against his neck. Neil had felt the press of a knife to his neck enough times to know what it felt like. All of a sudden he was five years old again, getting anatomy lessons from Lola. Neil was suddenly very un-attracted to Andrew Minyard. "You shouldn't have come up here."

Neil was shaking. "Fuck you." 

Then instinct took over and the knife was in Neil's hand and Andrew was staring at Neil like he had just found another piece of the puzzle. "Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen. I came up here to try and make nice, and that's apparently not going to happen, so instead, we're going to avoid each other outside of practice. We're not going to talk to each other, hell, aside from band stuff, we're not going to look at each other if we don't have to."

"And if I do?"

Neil sneered "Then I disappear and you get to explain to Kevin why I'm gone. Clear?"

"Crystal." 

"Good." Neil walked to the door. "And if you ever threaten me again, you'd better follow through, because if you don't, I will make you regret wasting my time."

Neil let the door slam shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Day After Turkey Day/Capitalist Nightmare Holiday Baybee
> 
> Songs mentioned: Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash


	4. Chapter 4

Andrew was reconsidering some things. Andrew liked to think he was pretty good at reading people, or at least, okay enough to be able to protect his family. First impressions had rarely failed him before, but the fact stood that Andrew had lost his favorite knife and his preconceptions of Neil Josten in one fell swoop.

This was going to be a problem.

So Neil was good with a knife. That was fine. It was dangerous, but Andrew wouldn't let himself be caught off guard next time. It was fine. This was fine.

Deft hands, flipping a blade quickly in the night air. Words echoed back in his face. Eyes flashing with anger, a fucking  _ truth _ , finally. 

Effortless. Neil had made it look effortless. Singing. Knives. Andrew. Andrew knew that Neil had a chip on his shoulder about those things, because Neil seemed to have a chip on his shoulder about everything, and yet he still made it all look so easy.

Fuck.

Andrew liked him.

_ You are the truth, shining like sunrise _ mocked the pile of ashes still on the corner of the roof. The truth. What a joke. Neil Josten had done nothing but hide the truth since the moment he'd shown back up in Andrew's life.

Kevin's number lit up Andrew's phone and Andrew answered immediately. "What it it?" There was no point in pleasantries with Kevin.

"Get to Wymack's. Now."

Andrew raced down the steps to the car. Aaron and Nicky were gone already, Nicky to his big, lonely, penthouse apartment and Aaron to his cozy little safe haven to be with his girlfriend. Andrew had never liked Katelyn, but she was the only thing keeping Aaron in the city. 

Andrew wove through the traffic with no regard for his nor anyone else's life. The streets grew more suburban and Andrew drove to Wymacks house. 

Kevin was there, and Wymack was rather valiantly trying to hold him together. It would have been charming, if it wasn't almost painfully pathetic. Besides, holding Kevin together was Andrew's job.

"Move. What happened."

"Riko Moriyama is stirring up trouble again."

Riko Moriyama of Allen Poe fame. He was their lead singer. He was Kevin's old bandmate and shitty ex boyfriend all wrapped in one. His uncle, Tetsuji Moriyama owned Ravens Records. Riko had left Kevin a wreck. Andrew had been there to pick up the pieces.

Andrew didn't take his eyes off Kevin. "What. Happened."

"He's challenged you to a battle of the bands. If he wins, Kevin goes back."

"We can't refuse?"

"The label already accepted, it's out of our hands."

"Get out, Coach." Andrew was tired of bad news.

"I'm not going to leave him." Wymack looked at his son, who was still staring listlessly off.

Andrew was almost touched. He rolled his eyes. "Fine, don't leave him then. You're dramatic today. Just give us the room."

Wymack did. 

Kevin sat in the dining room chair, blank faced, looking, but not seeing. Hearing but not listening.

Andrew couldn't stand it when Kevin was like this, he couldn't stand being helpless to stop it. Andrew held Kevin's face in his hands "Hey. Hey, look at me."

Kevin's eyes stared sightlessly through him. He shook Kevin a little. Nothing. Andrew ran a thumb over Kevin's cheek, by his tired eyes. Kevin looked at him, and Andrew wondered if this was worse than when he wasn't looking. "When did you get here?"

That wasn't good. Kevin spacey out like this when he was upset."Few minutes ago. How long have you been like this?"

"Since I heard the news."

Andrew frowned. "This doesn't have to be the end of everything."

"Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, Andrew, not you."

"Okay." Andrew's fingers tangled through Kevin's hair."Okay."

"Yes or no?" Kevin asked. Andrew knew better than to think Kevin was asking for a kiss. That ship had long past sailed.

"Yes." Andrew said.

Kevin placed his own hands on top of Andrew's, the skin was rough and scarred, but it was warm all the same. "I need a lawyer."

"You have a lawyer."

"Not that kind of lawyer." Kevin said, voice eerily calm. "An estate lawyer. I need to get my affairs in order."

"No."

Kevin kept going. "My will isn't up to date."

"Shut up."

Kevin's hands were a warm vice. "Andrew, listen to me. I'll die before I go back. Okay? I can't go back."

"No." Andrew shook his head, searched for something to say. "No."

"We're not going to win, Andrew, we both know that. This is going to be rigged from the get-go." Kevin said, he closed his eyes, weary. His hands fell to his lap. "This isn't a challenge, this is a courtesy call from the ravens to let me know where I'm going to be next year." 

"Look at me." Andrew said. "Kevin, look at me." Kevin did. "I can't lose you."

Kevin looked up. "Andrew, I-"

"I. Can't. Lose you." Andrew said it and this time Kevin understood.

Andrew felt the fight leave Kevin's shoulders. Kevin leaned forward, Andrew could feel his breath on his chin. Kevin's head landed on Andrew's shoulder. "The worst thing is, all I want right now is a beer." Kevin was six years sober. Andrew had gotten him through the first year, Kevin had gotten himself through the rest. Andrew's hands were still on either side of Kevin's face. One moved to Kevin's shoulder while the other threaded through Kevin's hair. "I'm tired, Andrew. I'm just so tired."

"Yeah. Me too."

Kevin sighed "That sounds about right. God we're fucked." Kevin breathed his heavy singer's breaths and Andrew held him steady. This was the way it always was.

Andrew just had to find a way to keep it like that. He just had to keep holding Kevin steady.

He knew what to do. "Come on. We're going to the garage."

"Why?"

Andrew lifted Kevin's face so that their noses were "Because it doesn't smell like Yankee Candle and defeat. Come on."

Andrew walked to the garage. His old drum set was still there, so were the old soundproofing panels on the wall. The room was dustier than Andrew would have liked, but that was his own fault.

Kevin walked in, looking at his old electric guitar. Magnets. 

"Pick up the fucking guitar, Kevin."

"I can't-"

"You did your physical therapy. The doctor said you'd be able to play. Pick up the fucking guitar."

"I can't-"

"You can't or you won't?" It was a genuine question, if Kevin didn't feel like he could, Andrew would drop the issue.

Kevin's hands clenched and unclenched. It was not a sign of nerves, it was a hand exercise that Andrew had watched Kevin slowly master. Kevin walked over and picked up the guitar. "What if I'm not as good?"

"You're out of practice." Andrew said. "You're not going to be as good."

"What if I've forgotten how?"

"Kevin, there is no world in which you've forgotten how."

Kevin put on the guitar strap, plugged it into the amp and gave the guitar an experimental strum. He winced, and Andrew thought that he might have hurt himself. "That's out of tune."

"You can fix that."

Andrew looked around and let Kevin tune his guitar. He wondered if the old mic stand was still there.

He found it behind a pile of empty cardboard boxes. The little  _ fuck _ he had carved into it in high school smiled out at him.

He moved it and found Kevin grinning.

"What is it?"

"I know what to play. Since we're apparently back in high school now." Kevin smiled, stress driven away by the joy and anticipation of a good jam-session.

"Plug in your stupid mic." Andrew muttered as he moved to the drumset. 

Kevin grinned "you have to sing, that's the rule."

Kevin liked to think that Andrew would start singing for other people if he realized how 'fun' it was. "I remember the rules, Kevin. What song?"

"One, two, th-"

"Jesus christ." Andrew muttered. Kevin liked doing this, starting a song ant then waiting for Andrew to catch up. He always did, that was why Kevin liked him. "let me sit down, god."

Kevin waited. Andrew say. "One, two, three, four, one, two, three-  _ they're gonna clean up your looks _

_ With all the lies in the books _

_ To make a citizen out of you _ ."

This song. The fuel for most of Andrew's high school fights. The reason he knew how to apply eyeliner blindfolded in a moving car. The freedom to be angry at every shitty thing that had ever happened to him. Andrew loved this song.

Kevin had too, a long time ago. This was the song that he listened to when Riko was being particularly assholish. They hadn't been dating in high school, but they had been close enough that Andrew had felt a pang of jealousy every time they so much as looked at each other. Andrew still haged Riko, but now for the right reasons. 

It was the first song that Kevin and Andrew had played together as angry teenagers in Kevin's garage, before Riko swept him off to the other side of the country.

Kevin hadn't warmed up, his voice was rough and jagged and perfect. " _ Because they sleep with a gun _

_ And keep an eye on you, son _

_ So they can watch all the things you do _ "

Andrew came in on the kick drum, and Kevin looked at him like he had forgotten that Andrew was there. 

"Because the drugs never work

They're gonna give you a smirk

'Cause they got methods of keepin' you clean

They gonna rip up your heads

Your aspirations to shreds

Another cog in the murder machine"

Andrew twirled his drumsticks once and launched them across the drum set. He chimed in for the chorus 

" _ They said all _

_ Teenagers scare _

_ The living shit out of me _

_ They could care less _

_ As long as someone'll bleed _

_ So darken your clothes _

_ Or strike a violent pose _

_ Maybe they'll leave you alone _

_ But not me _ "

Andrew sang the second verse alone. Kevin looked on the verge of jumping for joy.

" _ The boys and girls in the clique _

_ The awful names that they stick _

_ You're never gonna fit in much, kid _ ." Andrew bobbed his head in the with the words.

" _ But if you're troubled and hurt _

_ What you got under your shirt _

_ Will make them pay for the things that they did! _ " Andrew screamed it and for a second he was 17 and triumphant again. 

Kevin was grinning ear-to-ear. Andrew closed his eyes and scream-sang the words like they would solve his problems for him.

" _ They said all _

_ Teenagers scare _

_ The living shit out of me _

_ They could care less _

_ As long as someone'll bleed _

_ So darken your clothes _

_ Or strike a violent pose _

_ Maybe they'll leave you alone _

_ But not me!" _

Kevin ended the song early, right before the guitar solo, Andrew noticed. But he didn't mention it. Didn't want to disturb the fixed smile on Kevin's face.

"I'm going to tell the paparazzi you're such a sap."

"If you can tell them anything." Kevin joked.

"Am I taking you home tonight?" 

Kevin shrugged. "Sure."

The night outside the car was still. There was no moon out tonight. The stars were few and far between but they were still there, doing what they did every night. 

The giddy euphoria of the music had mostly worn off but Kevin was okay, and seemed like he would be for the rest of the night, which was all Andrew could ask for.

“Thanks for tonight.” Kevin murmured.

“Don’t thank me.” Andrew said. “What else would I do?”

Andrew pulled up to Kevin’s apartment.

Kevin did not step out. Andrew waited.

“Andrew?”

“What.”

“You’re better than him.” Kevin said.

“That’s not something I needed clarification on, Kevin.” Andrew looked Kevin over. Even in the dark, his eyes were still readably green, his tattoo was stark against his skin. “But thank you.”

Kevin turned and faced Andrew. “I just really want to kiss you right now.”

Andrew closed his eyes. “Yeah, but you’re not going to. Are you?”

Kevin’s hand rested gently on Andrew’s thigh. “I’m sorry.”

Andrew shook his head. “Don’t apologize, Kevin. Not you.”

“Okay.” Kevin said “Okay.”

The door slammed shut as Kevin left Andrew to the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day, when I have enough fics to make a good bingo, "emotional moment in a car" is 100% gonna be a square
> 
> song(s) mentioned:   
Teenagers by My Chemical Romance


	5. Chapter 5

Kevin picked Neil up in the morning. Neil answered the door, bleary-eyed and not-at-all ready to leave.

"I thought I told you to be ready to go shopping at eleven."

Neil looked down at himself, then at the clock on his phone. "It's ten thirty."

Kevin checked the time on his own phone. "So it is. You should still be ready."

Neil smirked, it was a small, quick thing but almost painfully endearing. "Yeah okay, give me a second."

Kevin let himself up the stairs into Neil's apartment, because teetering on the wooden stairs above the bar while the bartender and half a dozen day-drinkers stared up at his ass was not his idea of fun.

Bars. Kevin fucking hated bars. The sticky floors, the ever-present acrid smell. Fucking bars. Quiet bars were worse than noisy ones. In quiet bars, you could hear yourself think, and no one was ever thinking happy thoughts in quiet bars.

Neil's apartment was sparsely decorated, by which Kevin meant Neil had unpacked his bags and left his clothes more or less neatly folded in the corner. There was a mattress in the room now. Where Neil had gotten the mattress, Kevin did not know. "You… have a mattress now."

"Yeah."

"Is it supposed to be that color?"

Neil looked at the mattress and shrugged. "Probably not, but I got it practically for free."

"How did you even get it up here?"

Neil pointed down. "Some people like to be helpful when they're drunk."

Kevin scowled. "Okay. Change of plans, before we go clothes shopping, we're going to go furniture shopping. And then clothes shopping. Then, after practice, I'm going to drive you back here, and we are going to burn that mattress. Now get dressed."

Neil gestured for Kevin to turn around. Kevin busied himself with looking around Neil's kitchenette. There was a small mini fridge which looked like it had been there since the 80s, Kevin remembered that it had come with the apartment. "Do you have any food in here?"

"I've just been buying food downstairs." Neil's voice was muffled through his shirt.

Kevin wrinkled his nose. Bar food. "Bad for your voice."

"Why does that matter, I thought you were the singer."

Kevin laughed. "We're all the singer. Except Aaron."

"Andrew doesn't sing."

Kevin sighed, it hurt every time he heard it. "He does."

Neil didn't say anything for a second. "Did you know about the knives?"

The question was so sudden that Kevin turned around. Neil pulled the hem of his shirt down quickly, but not quickly enough to hide the crisscross of scars along his chest. Kevin did not gasp. Neil stood, stock still, waiting for… Kevin didn't know what. "How did _ you _ know about the knives?" For a moment Kevin had the sickening thought that Andrew was the one who had carved Neil up."Did he-?"

Neil shook his head. "No, no, these were… these were already here."

Kevin looked Neil up and down. Things began to make sense. Neil running all over the country. The way his eyes swept over all the exits in the room. Kevin used to do the same thing.

“You don’t have to tell me how you got those.”

Neil shrugged. “Wasn’t planning to.” Neil was already looking at the clothes in the corner. He looked like he was calculating how long it would take him to pack and go.

Kevin was losing him. He needed to do something, and fast. “No one’s going to care about them. The scars? No one is going to care.”

Neil scoffed, became sharper, suddenly, more Andrew-like. “Oh is that so? Like no one cared about your little skiing accident?”

The mentions would usually make Kevin flinch, but something about the way Neil said it lacked bite. It wasn’t offense for offense’s sake. This was offense as defense. Neil wanted Kevin off his back, and that only made Kevin angrier.

"Okay, you want to go there?" Kevin turned his back on Neil, and before he could think about it too much, removed his own shirt. There were scars there too. Words carved into his back. Random slashes, unmistakably knife-wounds. There were no scars on the front of his body, people photographed the front of his body. Neil did not gasp.

“So, not a ski accident.”

“Not a fucking ski accident.”

"Was that Andrew?"

The thought that Andrew would take a knife to him was so absurd that Kevin actually laughed out loud. Then the thought sobered him. It was easy to forget how dangerous Andrew was. It was easy to grow complacent with the people you loved. But that was how mistakes were made. That was how you got hurt. "No. No, these were already here." Kevin pulled his shirt back on. “Did Andrew hurt you?”

Neil scowled. “I didn’t give him the chance.” His voice was deep, raw. Musical without trying. Kevin wondered what Neil meant.

“He’s in the car. Is that going to be a problem?”

“If he makes it one.”

They were the same fucking person.

“This is going to be a long trip.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin: Damn bitch, u live like this?
> 
> Sorry for how short this chapter is, but I think how this fic is going to go is: short chapters, faster updates, let me know in the comments if you prefer this or the longer chapters!
> 
> Also, question, if I got a ko-fi, would you consider donating to it?


	6. Chapter 6

Neil didn't know what to do in this situation. Kevin sat, driving, confident that all conflict was either resolved or delayed enough for the shopping trip to continue. Andrew sat next to him, eyes closed, but not sleeping. Neil could not see his armbands, but he could feel them there, somehow, like once he was aware of the blades, they were impossible to forget.

Neil sat too, in the backseat. Heart pumping out of control. It would have been alarming had Neil not gotten used to the feeling a long time ago. 

No one in the car was particularly inclined to make small talk, so they drove in silence. 

Soon they came to an relatively inoffensive looking clothing store. Or, well, that's what Neil had thought before looking at a price tag. "Kevin, this shirt is 30 dollars." 

Kevin stopped in his and looked back at him "...yes?"

"No, thirty. Three-zero."

"Yes I heard you the first time. Do you like it?”

Neil had to stop his jaw from dropping “Does that matter? Kevin, it’s thirty dollars.”

“I know how much it costs, Neil, I can read the price tag, and also, you keep telling me.” Kevin crossed his arms. “Do you want it?”

“No!”

Kevin sighed and let his arms drop. “Oh, thank god, I thought we were going to have to give you some taste as well as a new wardrobe. Come on,”

When it became clear that Kevin wasn’t going to act appropriately, Neil reflexively looked at Andrew for an explanation. Andrew was looking at Kevin. Blank-faced but fond-eyed. He caught Neil looking. “Can I help you?”

Neil bristled. Felt himself getting angrier by the second. “You can tell me why Kevin has no perception of money.”

Andrew shrugged and moved to follow Kevin. “He does. He’s just always had enough money for exactly what he wanted. It’s not a factor for him.”

“Look, I can’t afford thirty dollar shirts. Hell, I can’t afford one thirty dollar shirt!” His outburst caught the ear of a shop assistant re-arranging the shelves, she eyed him suspiciously.

“You wouldn’t be paying.”

“I can’t owe Kevin any more money, he’s leasing my apartment!”

“Kevin’s not buying you anything, I am.”

“What?”

Andrew was almost gone, Neil had to run to catch up. “Don’t ask stupid questions. You heard what I said.”

Neil considered his next question carefully. “Why?”

Andrew didn’t turn. “Maybe I just want to keep you around.”

“So you’re leashing me.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m just buying you clothes.” 

They were catching up to Kevin now. Neil couldn’t let this continue. “I have clothes.”

Kevin snorted. “No. You have pieces of fabric that used to be clothes before you wore them to death.” He pulled some shirts off of a rack and handed them to Neil. "Try these on."

Neil took a look at the shirts Kevin had given him. Then he looked up at Kevin, brimming with what Neil would have called excitement had he not known any better. Andrew was there too, eyes piercing into Neil. 

Neil frowned and moved to the dressing rooms.

* * *

Andrew was desperately trying not to have fun. The tension of last night still hung heavy between him and Neil, and Kevin wouldn't meet his eye. It felt irresponsible to enjoy something so frivolous as a shopping trip under those circumstances.

Still, enjoy he did. 

Neil was a terrible model. He was sheepish, he was snappy, and he had little to no awareness of his body. He made up for it with looks. Kevin's selections brought out his eyes, his hair, his toned muscles, the lean cut of his body. When Neil wasn't hiding, it was impossible not to look at him. 

Andrew was in charge of finding show outfits. The outrageous, borderline costumes that the band got to wear to concerts. Andrew, despite how austerely he liked to dress in public, had an eye for things that were flashy enough to wear without becoming washed out onstage.

Kevin and Neil were getting to know each other, and by that Andrew meant that they were realizing that, aside from some key differences, they were the same fucking person. 

Andrew shoved a bunch of hangers into Neil’s arms. “These are for shows. Don’t mix and match.”

Neil came out in the black mesh-and-lace ensemble first and Andrew’s breath hitched in his throat. The fabric of his shirt wasn’t flashy. It wasn’t sheer enough that Andrew could see his chest, but it was tight enough that there really wasn’t anything left to the imagination. As good as it looked, it could easily be switched out with another shirt, so Andrew let his gaze drift lower, to where the important parts of the outfit were, and immediately regretted it. Lacy shorts and fishnets. Fuck. Legs. Legs as far as the eye could see. Neil was all legs. The stockings showed off squares of even, tanned skin. Andrew’s mouth went dry.

He dragged his eyes to Neil’s impossibly petulant face and all of a sudden remembered that no, there was no way he was attracted to Neil, because no amount of perfect, toned legs could make up for how troublesome he was. “I can’t wear this. I look ridiculous, and I can’t breathe.”

“We’ll get a size up.”

“Andrew, what’s taking so long, I was-  _ Neil _ . Wow.” Kevin looked like he had forgotten how to speak for a second. Andrew took solace in the fact that he wasn’t the only one with functioning eyes.

Neil, still blind to the fact that he was a knockout, misinterpreted the statement. “See, Kevin thinks I look stupid too.”

“I-” Kevin started, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Andrew thanked his lucky stars that he’d practiced being just-deadpan-enough that attraction just made his face look blank.

“I’m not an idiot Andrew. I know you’re not my biggest fan, but this was a stupid way to try to humiliate me.”

“You look good.” Kevin blurted. “I said wow because you looked- look great. Andrew’s not trying to humiliate you. He’s got a good eye.”

Neil looked stupefied “Oh.” He turned around to look at himself in the dressing room mirror as if to check what he looked like. “I’m not going to wear this shirt.”

“That’s probably for the best , you’re singing, you’ll need to breathe. Andrew gets the luxury of tight shirts.”

Neil frowned. “I thought you said Andrew sang.”

Oh did he? Andrew looked to Kevin. 

Kevin’s answering look was apologetic. “Not onstage yet.” He said, as if that was the part that Andrew was upset about.

“Don’t let Kevin infect you with his delusions.” Andrew said dryly. “I don’t sing. Not for you. Not for anyone else.” Andrew hoped that his face was  _ don’t mention South Carolina if you want to live _ enough.

Neil got the message. “Good to know. I’ll go try on the next one.”

“90% Day.” Andrew muttered

Kevin was dismayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amusing typo: "Kevin and Neil were getting to know each other, and by that Andrew meant that they were realizing that, aside from some key differences, they were fucking the same person."
> 
> Happy new year, Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit everybody!


	7. Chapter 7

Andrew was in a rut, there was no other way to describe it. He arrived at the studio, ready to write and with ample time, but the moment he sat down at the piano, every song idea he had ever had flew out of his head.

He sat, plinking around, waiting for inspiration to strike. Kevin was out with Neil, doing a press release. Andrew had put it in his contract that he only had to attend 50% of the year’s press releases, so he was free to piddle about the recording studio doing absolutely nothing.

This couldn’t keep happening. Andrew knew he had to write something good, quick, before people started to realize how useless he was. Before Kevin realized Andrew was a glorified bodyguard taking up more time and money than he deserved. 

_ Foxes _ was here, which meant Andrew was pretending that he was at the press release, but he knew Renee had probably seen his car in the parking lot and would poke her head in sooner or later and money would very visibly slip into Allison Reynolds’s hands every minute Renee spent in the room.

“I can’t write shit, can’t write shit, Kevin should fire meeeeee.” Andrew monotoned out, playing miscellaneous chords until he landed on one that sounded okay. He played that one over and over, hummed a few notes that might go with it before deciding that none of them worked and scrapping the whole thing. Rinse, repeat.

Andrew heard an undignified snort behind him and turned to see Renee Walker standing behind him, shaking with barely repressed laughter.

"I'm glad you find my eternal torment funny," Andrew deadpanned.

Renee rolled her eyes and moved to sit at the piano. Renee was a singer-songwriter, she was known for her ukulele, but she could play more instruments than Andrew, which was saying something.

"One, two, three, four." Renee began to play the beginning of  _ Heart and Soul. _

"You know there are better songs to play." Andrew said.

"Yeah but this one is fun because you pretend not to like it." Renee explained. "One, two, three, four."

Renee began to play the high tinny part on the right end of the piano, so Andrew rolled his eyes and played the deeper parts on the left side. They stayed like that for a while, content to let the music be the reason they were both there.

Andrew looked at Renee "I think I'm burnt out."

Renee didn't look up. "You'll get the album written, you always do."

Andrew shook his head, he watched his hands, effortlessly playing the song "No, I mean… permanently. I think I have been for a while. I never stop feeling burnt out."

Renew looked up at that. "How long have you been feeling like this?"

"Probably since the tour last year."

"That's almost a year, Andrew." Like Andrew didn't know. "Have you been to see Bee recently?"

"Yeah. She thinks I should take a break."

"She's probably right."

Andrew played the notes he was supposed to. "If I stop, I'll never start again. I don't love it like you do,"  _ like Kevin does _ , he didn't say. It hung in the air anyway.

"You do." Renee said. "I think you love it more than all of us."

She was right, but that was only part of the truth. Loving music was like loving a knife. It didn't love you back, and it hurt you if you weren't careful. 

Andrew stopped the song.

"I heard about the battle of the bands." Renee said quietly. "The public is going to know soon enough, how is Kevin holding up?” 

_ He’s not _ . “He’ll be fine. I’ll make sure he's okay."

"And what about you?"

Andrew felt like laughing "What about me?"

Renee stopped playing so Andrew did too. "Andrew. You don't owe him anything. You could quit"

Andrew closed his eyes. He didn't want to hear this. He wanted to be somewhere far away where Kevin Day didn't exist and Andrew didn't have to want him so much. But Kevin had asked Andrew to help him, and Andrew had promised.

"How's your new boy?" Renee asked, wisely changing the subject.

"He's an arrogant idiot. He's a flash in the pan. The wonder will wear off and he'll be gone as quick as he arrived."

Renee was impassive. "Is he good?"

"Yes. He's almost too good."

Renee quirked a brow. "You  _ like _ him." The  _ like _ held a significant amount of weight.

"I do not  _ like _ him, what is this, middle school?" Andrew said "He hates me, I pulled a knife on him."

"You've pulled knives on me, many times, I don't hold that against you."

Andrew could have mentioned the way Neil's eyes ran over all the exits in any room he walked into, the careful, delicate fingers that had effortlessly flipped Andrew's knife. Instead, Andrew asked "What about you, is this the year you finally cave and join  _ foxes _ ?"

Foxes had been courting Renee's favor for the last few years, trying to get her to join the band. Her will was iron. She was a solo act. If they had just been smart enough to ask for a feature or a collaboration, Renee would probably go for it. Andrew would have gotten Kevin to ask, but Andrew was still hearing rumors that he was straight and that just wouldn't do.

"They know my answer. At this point, asking is just an old habit. Allison can carry a song on her own, so can Dan. They don't need me. Do you?"

Andrew grimaced. "Ask Wymack."

"Wymack answers to Kevin. Kevin answers to you."

"That's not true."

Renee shrugged. "Perhaps not. But I try not to lie to you."

"I need a song, Renee. I need something." Andrew didn't bring up his fears of being replaced. They would have sounded strange out loud.

Renee hummed thoughtfully. She raised a finger to signal an idea. "Your new boy. Does he have anything? Does he write?"

_ We're not going to talk to each other _ Neil said in Andrew's mind  _ we're not going to look at each other if we don't have to _ .

"I don't know. I'd have to ask him." Andrew muttered.

"Is he coming in today?" Renee asked.

"No. He's at that press conference."

"Are you sure?"

"Why do you ask?"

Renee pointed to the window. "Because he and Kevin just got out of that car. And they don't look happy."

Andrew pulled out his phone. 12 text messages and 1 news alert. Andrew read the news alert first. Then he read it again, then again, the words refused to sink in.

Kevin burst through the door and Neil followed. "We're dead."

Neil scowled. "No we're not."

Renee looked between them “What happened.”

Kevin scowled harder. "The ravens just released the news about the battle of the bands. We're fucked."

That settled it. The moment that this mess was over, Andrew was going into early retirement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year everybody, enjoy my first filler chapter of the decade!


	8. Chapter 8

Neil hadn't meant to ruin his big press debut. Honestly. He was just supposed to answer some questions about the band and his place in it and be charming enough to make a splash but not enough to overshadow Kevin, who was who the press was really there for. That was what Kevin had told him. That was what Neil had been repeating to himself in the car.

That was essentially how the inter

And then Riko Moriyama had shown up.

Riko was the kind of handsome that made you want to punch him in the face. The entirety of his charm was that he wasn't laughing at you, so you could delight in the feeling of laughing at someone else with him. When you met him though, he was definitely laughing at you.

Riko Moriyama had waited until halfway through the press conference, until Kevin was answering a question about… well, Neil couldn't remember now. Kevin was in the middle of saying something like "The new album is a little bit conceptually different-" and then the doors had burst open. 

Riko Moriyama was standing tall and bulletproof in the doorway, clad in tight leather pants, hangover sunglasses, and a red mesh tee-shirt. He had smiled. It looked like someone had taken the perfect smile and twisted it, just a bit, so that it mocked whoever it was turned on. Riko had looked Kevin in the eye and leaned back, just a little bit. The lean said  _ well look at you _ , the quirked eyebrow said  _ who do you think you are? _ Riko said "Hey Ducky. Did you miss me?" 

Kevin didn't say anything. The press was hooked. There were a few moments of shocked silence as Riko began the walk up to the stage, then the reporters pounced. Neil couldn't make out any individual questions, there were so many flying around. Riko held up a gloved hand as he reached the crowd. Perfect silence. They parted like the red sea and Riko made his way up the steps to the stage. He elegantly fell into place between Neil and Kevin. "Kevin I'm going to have some of your grapes, I hope you don't mind. I'm Riko Moriyama, it's nice to meet you." This last part was directed to Neil. Riko popped some of Kevin's grapes into his mouth.

Neil tried not to gape like a fish. "I'm Neil."

Riko smiled thinly and Neil felt the vague sense that he was being dismissed. Riko's head swiveled to the door where he had come in. The room watched with rapt attention. "Jean, what are you doing back there, come on up." Riko threw an arm around Kevin, who was tense as a taut spring.

Jean Moreau, bass player for  _ Allen Poe _ , walked up to the stage with more difficulty than Riko had, and sat on the arm of the sofa, surrounding Kevin. He had been standing at the door the whole time but Neil hadn't seen him.

Riko winked at Kevin "I'm taking your mic." He did, and said to the reporters "We're taking questions now."

Neil sputtered. "I'm sorry, yeah, I have a question for you. What the fuck?"

Kevin stared, wide-eyed at Neil, like he was very much wishing to be somewhere else.

Riko turned slowly on Neil. The only sound was of photos being snapped. "I'm sorry?"

"Why are you here?"

Riko smiled. "Can't I just visit an ex while I'm in town?"

Neil scoffed "on a publicized stage?"

"What can I say?" Riko said, playing to the cameras. "I'm dramatic."

"You must be." Neil agreed. "By your own admission, Kevin is your ex."

Riko's eyes narrowed. "Kevin is an old friend of mine. I wouldn't expect you to understand, you've known him for what, two weeks? Three?"

"I know that he hasn't said a word since you walked in."

Eyes turned to Kevin. Kevin raised his hands desperately to show he had no microphone. Riko didn't look like he had any intention of handing it over. Neil scoffed and gave Kevin his own microphone. Kevin took it reluctantly.

"Well then Kevin?" Riko lilted. "What exactly do you have to say?"

Kevin lifted the microphone slowly "did you come here for a reason?"

Riko huffed out a laugh. "You're telling me you don't want me here?"

Something about the arrogance of Riko's voice set Neil off. He let out a laugh, it echoed even without a mic. 

"Neil-" Kevin warned. But it was too late.

* * *

"'If You Were Half As Talented As You Act Like You Are, Kevin Would Never Have Left Your Pretentious Ass. Or Your Fucking Loser Band. You Are Nothing. Nothing Without Him.' Checkmate Rookie Neil Josten Attacks Allen Poe Frontman Riko Moriyama. Moriyamas Respond With A Challenge." David Wymack read off his phone. Neil sat, with Kevin to his right and Andrew pacing behind him. Wymack placed the phone down on the table. "I've got to say, Josten, you make one hell of a first impression."

It was clear to Andrew that this was not how Neil Josten had wanted to meet David Wymack, owner of Foxhole Records,  _ Checkmate _ 's manager, and Kevin Day's father. Wymack was putting up an extremely good angry act, but Andrew could sense him brimming with savage pride. Neil was shifting nervously in his seat. Andrew couldn't tell if it was an act or not but either way it was annoying. Kevin was worse though. He wasn't saying a word. Andrew wordlessly placed a hand at the nape of his neck, the tips of his fingers burrowing in Kevin's hair. Kevin's hand came up to grip Andrew's and gave it a soft squeeze, a reassurance. 

Andrew hated not being able to do more, but Kevin had set the rules and Andrew would follow them if it killed him. Kevin took a shaky inhale and Andrew held his breath. Andrew would follow the rules if it killed him.

It was fucking killing him.

He turned his attention back to Josten (not that it helped), to see that Josten was looking at him. Andrew waited for something, a twitch of recognition or envy. Anything. Josten looked back at Wymack and left Andrew with no answers.

Wymack was on some tirade about the press having a field day and the Moriyamas releasing the Battle of The Bands news early in retaliation and actions having consequences and Andrew was very bored by all of it. Kevin's heart was racing under Andrew's palm. Andrew would follow the rules if it killed him and it was fucking killing him.

Andrew walked out of the room. The air inside was too choked. Outside, Andrew could think. All Andrew could think was that he wanted to hit something, which meant that he probably had a song in him somewhere. This is what he did now. Any and every ounce of feeling that had gone through Andrew in the past two years had been pushed into a song and played back over and over until it couldn't hurt him anymore. It was fucking exhausting but it was what Andrew did. It made Kevin happy and it made Andrew money. The only downside was the burnout.

Andrew stormed to the studio. He slammed the door shut and picked up the first thing he saw, an electric guitar. He punched its cord into the amp and tuned it in a blind rage. He strummed it, chords flowing out of his mind and into his fingers. He fussed around until he settled on a progression he liked and he played that.

" _ If I die today,  _

_scatter my ashes in a swimming_ _pool _

_ in northern LA _

_ The water's always nice up there,  _

_ The sun is always bright up there,  _

_ It's always a beautiful day. _

_ I could use a fucking beautiful day. _ "

Andrew knew that he should write this down, but he'd remember it later, and there were more word in his head to be screamed into the waiting silence. His hands strummed furiously.

" _ Do you think the mercied fate _

_ Would be to slowly suffocate, _

_ Watching you do the same? _

_ Oh, did you ever believe  _

_ That after you, that I could leave? _

_ I wish I'd never heard your name _ .

_ I wish I'd never heard your name. _ "

This song was a hate song, which was enough like a love song for producers to like and angry and vengeful enough to not feel like Andrew was ripping himself open every time someone sang it.

" _ Oh and if I die today,  _

_ you owe me twenty dollars _

_ Oh, I promised I would die before you. _

_ Oh, and if I die today, _

_ Know that you have killed me  _

_ You're the only one that- _

Shit." Andrew muttered. He couldn't find a rhyme that made sense. His fingers stopped, the chord was dissonant. He dropped the guitar haphazardly and raced for a notebook. He didn't need to write it down, but he'd need to show someone later.

This wasn't for Kevin. Andrew didn't know if he could stand Kevin singing his thoughts back at him. Nicky couldn't carry the song. Nicky could only pull off anger when it was at the world, not at specific people. Which left Neil. Andrew imagined Neil's voice to his words. Neil's effortless emotion. His rough technique carving jagged edges in the song where Andrew had wanted polished ones.

The alternative was Kevin knowing exactly what the words meant and exactly how they should be sung and breaking Andrew's heart every night onstage.

Neil was better than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right Kevin's pet name is DUCKY. I AM THE GOD OF THIS WORLD AND I WILL COMMAND IT AS I SEE FIT.


	9. Chapter 9

Kevin thought that by all circumstances, he was handling this pretty well. It wasn't as if he was catatonic, he was just lightly terrified. Manageably on the verge of death. That was all. His father was still talking, and Neil didn't seem to realize that this was Wymack at his most hospitable. Neil looked more than chastised. Wymack was winding to a close now. "-and if you  _ ever _ try to pull this shit again? I will make you handle all the consequences." He wouldn't. Neil didn't have adequate press training yet and Wymack knew it. "It was nice meeting you. Kevin, stay, I want to talk."

Neil was out of the room before Kevin could blink. He would have made a killing as an athlete. Wymack was looking at him now. Kevin touched the spot on his neck where Andrew's hand had been. All the warmth had faded from it now. Kevin wondered why Andrew had settled for this, for him. Settled for light touches and significant glances and holding Kevin up when he couldn’t be bothered to do it for himself. Settled for  _ nearly _ , settled for  _ almost _ . Andrew deserved better than what Kevin could give him. 

Kevin shook it off, like he always did, and looked up at Wymack. "Hey dad."

Wack smiled like he did every time Kevin called him  _ dad. _ "Hi. Are you alright?" 

Kevin shrugged. "I saw him, and somehow, I came back here." Kevin tried to remember anything that Riko had said besides  _ Ducky _ and he came up blank. What he did remember was Neil, using his incredible breath control to come to his rescue. "I think Neil helped. Thank you for going easy on him."

Wymack snorted. "He didn't get the message. He'll be back here soon."

"How do you know?" 

Wymack grinned "Seth Gordon did the same thing." He sobered. "Don't change the subject. I want to know how you're holding up."

How was Kevin holding up? He had just been publicly accosted by his ex boyfriend, Raven Records had leaked the Battle of the Bands news, this was a press nightmare inside a press nightmare, and Kevin was caught in the middle of it and so it made sense that he would be a bit freaked out right about now. The problem was that he wasn’t. He was fine, perfectly in control, waiting for a breakdown that wouldn’t come. It was strange, but a welcome relief. Kevin shrugged. “I just want to know what the next move is. How do we fix this?”

Wymack gave a gravelly sigh. “Well, people know that the battle is coming up. They’ll be expecting new music soon, which means a new single at the very least. A new album after that, before the battle.”

“Why do we even need to do this?” Kevin sighed. “Why are we participating in a battle of the bands, we’re multi-platinum artists, so are Allen Poe. We’ve got nothing to prove, so why go through all the effort?”

“Why else, kiddo? Money and the press. The Moriyamas have paid off everyone who matters with enough money that they don’t mind losing you, and they released the news so that if we back down, we’re the ones at fault.”

“Fuck.” Kevin wiped at imaginary sweat.

“Look, I’m saying this as your dad and your manager. Say the word and we will get you out of this. I don’t care how this looks, I don’t care about the label, if you don’t want to risk going back there then goddamn it I will fight tooth and fucking nail to make sure that you never have to see that greasy rat-faced son of a bitch again, okay?”

As much as Kevin wanted to take his father up on the offer, his mind had been made up a long time ago. When Kevin had heard the challenge, something in his heart had charged forward, he couldn’t help it. If there was a chance to play, to prove that he was good at what he loved, that he wasn’t broken, that Riko hadn’t broken him? Then he was going to do it, consequences be damned. He was Kevin fucking Day. If at the end of the day he lost to Riko? Well then, he deserved to be sent back. As much as Kevin wanted to take his father up on the offer, as much as his brain was screaming at him to  _ get out now, before it’s too late _ , his heart was screaming louder, and more persuasively, that he was too fucking good, that Checkmate was too fucking good, to lose to Riko Mori-fucking-yama. “No.”

“Are you sure? You can change your mind-”

“Dad.” Kevin said. “We’re already in the battle of the bands, so now, we’re going to play him, and we’re going to win. I’m sure.”

Wymack sighed and smiled his  _ Kevin called me dad _ smile and shook his head. “You’re going to be the death of me someday, kiddo.” he shuffled about some papers on his desk. “Do you think Andrew’s going to be up to writing a new album in the next few months?” 

“Yes. I’ll talk to him.”

Wymack’s question ran in Kevin’s head as he left. He walked through the building thinking. Did Kevin think Andrew could write an album in the next few months? Kevin thought Andrew could do anything. Kevin thought Andrew could write five new albums in the next few months, and then burn them all because they were all too full of love for him to bear. 

Andrew and his love songs. Kevin had stolen one of his notebooks once, in the few days before Checkmate when Kevin was just beginning to put the pieces of himself back together and Andrew was writing down the things that he couldn’t keep inside himself. 

Kevin had opened the notebook expecting to read more of Andrew’s acidic ire spattered onto the pages. Instead, he had found those love songs. Dozens of them. Songs about green eyes and stars and wanting the world to disappear for a while so that Andrew could catch his breath. 

Kevin had known somewhere in the back of his mind that Andrew loved him. The constant protection and enduring companionship and more-than-casual sex had made it pretty clear, but Kevin had not known how much, or that Andrew had felt this intensely. Kevin had not known that there was this much love inside Andrew, but once he had found out, Kevin wondered how he could have ever thought otherwise. Of course Andrew, steady, solid, giving Andrew, felt love. He felt more love than anyone Kevin knew.

Kevin had silently placed the notebook back where he had found it and proceeded to find Andrew and fuck the daylights out of him. That was in the days when Kevin hadn’t been too afraid to do things like fuck the daylights out of another man. 

Maybe he had still been afraid then. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t told Andrew that he loved him too. Maybe Riko’s shadow had loomed too dark and too long over him.

Kevin had to face Riko and win. Then this would all be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in the book series Kevin's dating someone and this fic is obviously going in that direction but the idea that Kevin Day Fucks is never going to stop cracking me up


	10. Chapter 10

After leaving Wymack's office, Neil had hung around the building for a few minutes. He'd heard the sound of music and followed it. The words were muffled and Neil couldn't make them out, but the guitar backing them up was panicked and erratic.

Neil found the studio right as the music stopped. He opened the door to find Andrew, scribbling furiously into a sketchbook. Andrew looked up at the sound of the door opening. "Good. You're here."

Neil didn't know if Andrew meant  _ good, you're here in the studio _ or  _ good, Wymack didn't kill you. _ "Yeah Wymack let me out. Is he always like that?"

Andrew didn't look up from his page "Don't know, don't care, I have a song for you. Grab that, I tuned it but it might have changed when I dropped it. Tune it if it did." Neil guessed that Andrew meant the guitar lying at his feet. Neil's heart ached to see an instrument on the floor. He looked back up at Andrew. Andrew scribbled something down. Crossed it out. Scribbled something else down. More aggressively crossed that out. 

Neil picked up the guitar and gave it an experimental strum. He frowned. The pegs were almost in tune. Almost. Neil fiddled with the pegs, turning clockwise and counterclockwise until the perfect balance was reached and the notes rang out strong and clear. He followed this procedure for the rest of the strings. Another strum. Neil closed his eyes and let the sound ring out.

Neil finished tuning and opened his eyes only to find that Andrew was staring at him. "That was fast."

Neil shrugged. "That's how I tune."

Andrew frowned at him. Or at least, Neil thought it was a frown. It was becoming harder and harder to interpret the small twitches of Andrew's face. Neil didn't know if he wanted to interpret them anymore. Every time Neil looked at Andrew he saw a man that was holding knives. Andrew held out a hand. Neil gave him the guitar. "You have perfect pitch. Give me your phone so I can record this, I'm only going to play it once."

"I have what?"

"I don't see you taking out your phone."

Neil took out his phone and turned on the camera. "Here, now can you tell me-"

"Get out." Andrew pointed at the door.

"You have my phone."

"I'll give it back, I have to record the song. Get out. Just stand on the other side of the door or something"

Neil opened his mouth to argue, but then he realized what was happening. Andrew Minyard had wrote him a song. Andrew Minyard had written a song for him to sing.  _ I have a song for you.  _ Andrew fucking Minyard was going to fucking record an original fucking song on Neil's fucking phone. Neil almost ran out of the room.

He shut the door behind him and pressed his back against it, suddenly out of breath. In the back of his head, he perceived the song being played on the other side of the door, but right now the words were echoing in his head. I have a song for you. You have perfect pitch.

"Neil?" Kevin was standing at the end of the hallway.

Neil jerked his head to the closed door behind him. "Andrew has a song for me."

"For you?" Kevin said. His tone said  _ but not for me? _ Kevin shook it off and nodded like this wasn't the single most important moment of Neil's life. Kevin sighed. "Of course he does. Because he's perfect."

Neil felt himself nodding. "He said I have perfect pitch."

"He did?"

Neil assumed that Andrew was sneakily trying to insult him. "What does that mean?"

Kevin looked at Neil like he was an idiot. "It means you have perfect pitch."

Neil shook his head. "No I don't."

Kevin seemed to arrive at the same conclusion that Nail had. "What were you doing before he said that?"

"I was just tuning a guitar." Neil said.

Kevin sighed. "Then you do have perfect pitch. Congratulations."

"Just because I tune without a tuner or a piano-"

"Neil." Kevin said. Neil fell silent. "This is a good thing. You’re lucky. Why are you fighting this?”

Neil didn’t want to say anything about his father. Neil wasn’t going to say anything about his father. "I just didn't think I had it."

"I wish I had perfect pitch. I don't. Andrew doesn't, but he's a lot closer than me."

Neil turned to Kevin "You more than make up for it, I think."

"You're too kind."

Neil smiled "I'm really not."

Kevin smiled, he watched Neil contemplatively and Neil, like he always did, held his breath and hoped that he wouldn't be recognized. "Why did you stand up to Riko? Please don't say you did it for me."

"Why not?"

Kevin closed his eyes. "You don't owe me anything, Neil. I'm not going to have anyone else dragged into this. I'm not that selfish, and I don't want any blood on my hands."

"I'm not helpless, Kevin. I stood up to Riko because he's a pompous ass, and because you weren't going to do it."

Kevin sighed. "That's almost worse. Don't protect me, Neil. I'm not worth the effort."

"Well." Neil said. "I'll be the judge of that." 

Kevin blinked, taken aback. The corners of his mouth twitched up, and Neil's chest was suddenly very warm "Okay."

Neil closed his eyes. "Is Andrew singing in there?"

"He sings for demos. I've been trying to get him to sing on stage since we started the band."

“What, does he have stage-fright or something?”

Kevin laughed. “No. He doesn’t have stage fright. Look, it’s not for me to say. If you want Andrew to tell you, then you should ask him. I’m not going to speak for him.”

“How sweet.” Andrew said, opening the door behind Neil “You know, it would be a lot easier to record if you were quiet?” He dropped the phone into Neil’s hands. “I took a picture of my notes, read over them, they’re important. Kevin, drop by later so that you can ask me to write you another album, okay?”

“Why can’t I ask you now?”

Andrew glared “Because then I’ll start working on it, and right now I need a shower and a nap and to not see your goddamn face for more than twenty minutes at a time. Can I trust you to stay out of trouble until then?”

Kevin smiled like Andrew had said something nice. “Yes. Thank you.” 

Neil felt like he was intruding somehow.

Kevin turned to Neil. “Come on, I’ll drive you home. I can help you decipher Andrew’s notes.”

“What do you mean ‘decipher’?” Andrew asked.

“Andrew, one time you just wrote the word ‘rutabaga’ and expected me to know what you meant.”

“You figured it out, didn’t you?” Andrew called as he walked down the hallway.

Neil nodded “Thanks.”

Kevin smiled and threw an easy arm around Neil’s shoulders. “Don’t mention it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew really actually doesn't have a deep convoluted reason not to sing in front of people he just has Stage Fright EXTREME


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm really digging this "shorter updates" thing, because it allows me to update a little more often! If you guys would prefer to wait for longer updates, let me know, but for now, I think that's how this fic is gonna go.

Andrew rested his head against the tiled wall as steaming water ran down his back. He had come home and crashed onto his couch for a few hours before waking up to his big, beautiful, empty, 2nd-floor apartment and stepping into the shower.

Even now, song lyrics were racing in his head. Love songs. He hoped that one day, he would run out of things to say about love. His head would be calmer, then. 

Neil Josten had perfect pitch. Lucky bastard. Andrew decided that he hated Neil Josten. That was the easiest thing to do, right? The most logical decision? He hated Neil Josten.

He wondered how Neil would sing his song, would he play it gentle? Scream it like a curse? Worst case scenario, he would play it like Andrew had played it, down to the detail. Kevin used to do that, try and chameleon himself into Andrew's head. Andrew used to say, _ if I wanted that song the way I sang it, then I would have sung it _ . He wondered if he would have to say that to Neil. He tried to imagine the look on Neil's face.

God, that fucking face, all cheekbones, and pouting model lips, and blue, blue, blue eyes. Everything he said sounded like music. Every step he took felt like dancing. Andrew almost couldn’t make himself stop thinking about him. Andrew hated Neil Josten.

The problem seemed to be that whenever Andrew wasn’t thinking about Neil, he was thinking about Kevin. Who was he kidding? Even while Andrew was thinking about Neil, he was thinking about Kevin. Andrew never stopped thinking about Kevin, and his safety, and his promises, and his deft, scarred hands, and his soft, pliant mouth. 

Out of all the wonderful, available guys in the world, Andrew had to get stuck on Kevin Day. Kevin Day, the talented. Kevin Day, the insatiable. Kevin Day, the singing, strumming, prodigal son.

Andrew sometimes wondered why Kevin stayed with him. Sure, they had history, but that wasn't ever going to be enough for Kevin and sure Andrew was good at his job, but he wasn't the best, he didn't have that spark that Neil had, to keep playing no matter what. The truth was, Andrew played instruments, and he wrote songs, that was all. Anyone could do that. Kevin deserved better. The world deserved better.

Andrew knocked his head against the shower wall. He really needed to get a life. Or laid. Whichever came first. He turned off the shower and dried off. He tied a towel around his waist and walked out.

Kevin was standing in his living room. 

Andrew blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Kevin immediately looked around like the media would somehow magically manifest inside Andrew's home to out him and ruin his life. It was a bad habit but Kevin had had it ingrained in his head against his will, Andrew could hardly blame him. Andrew cursed Riko Moriyama with his whole heart.

"Calm down, Kevin. It's only me 

“Sorry! You told me to drop by, I used my extra key, I didn’t mean to-”

“Kevin you're making this worse than it has to be."

"Right. Sorry." Kevin averted his eyes like a catholic schoolgirl and began to turn around.

"You don't have to apologize and you don't have to turn, we both know you've seen worse." Andrew jerked his head in the direction of his bedroom behind Kevin. Andrew was hoping that Kevin would be more comfortable in a windowless room. Kevin didn't move. Andrew rolled his eyes and moved to open the door. Kevin was, in any situation, polite to a fault. Maybe he was a vampire, Andrew wouldn't put it past him, he was so fastidious about entering without invitation. Kevin was warm, flush, and breathing too hard. The soft fabric of his overpriced shirt brushed against Andrew's bare chest as Andrew leaned to open the door. Kevin unconsciously leaned closer and when Andrew gestured for Kevin to enter, he could feel Kevin's breath on his face. "Bedroom."

Kevin's mouth parted prettily "Pardon?" 

"I need to get into the room. You're blocking the doorway."

"Oh." Kevin cleared his throat "Right." He stepped aside, the warmth was gone.

Andrew wanted to laugh. He stepped inside, Kevin closed the door halfway between them. Andrew untied his towel and started to get dressed "I know you came here to ask me to write you a new album."

"It seems like you already started." Kevin said. There was an undercurrent to his voice that Andrew couldn't quite pick up on. 

"I figured after the press thing that we might need a new single." Andrew said. It wasn't a lie. He had thought that, after he'd written the song, but there was no forethought involved in screaming out the words trapped in his head, no precalculation in stopping himself from suffocating. "I wrote one."

"For Neil." Kevin said. Andrew picked up on it now. It was crystal clear. Kevin was jealous. 

"Yes." Was Andrew's cautious reply. This was a slippery slope. He didn't want to talk about this. Kevin knew he was great. He knew that Andrew knew he was great. This wasn't about the song, which meant this could only be about them. About Kevin and Andrew. Andrew was suddenly angry. "He's new and it would be good for the fans to hear him, get familiar with how the band sounds with him in it."

"Is that all?" Kevin was looking for a reason, any reason to dismiss the issue. 

Andrew didn't say anything. Kevin didn't have anything to be jealous of, but even if he did, Kevin didn't get to be jealous. This was a band. If Kevin didn't like that Neil got a song, he could go off and pursue a solo career.

Kevin was still waiting for an answer. Andrew sighed. This was still something about Kevin that he liked, that Kevin would wait forever for an answer. Andrew sighed. "No."

"Okay." Kevin said. He walked into the room, as Andrew finished buttoning his Jean's. "Yes or no?"

Andrew didn't care about the reason why Kevin was asking, the "yes" was out of his mouth embarrassingly fast. Kevin attacked his mouth, Andrew surrendered. He looped his hands around Kevin's waist while Kevin's left hand burned on his still-damp hair and neck. Kevin's other arm swung around Andrew's shoulders. They stayed like that for a moment, entangled. Kevin frantic, Andrew waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only observation that Andrew could make (besides the obvious, Kevin's hot, soft mouth on his, or how hard and fast his heart was beating) was how quiet it was. Like any noise either of them made would be swallowed.

Andrew tilted his head back and Kevin gave chase for a moment, before leaning back. "Kevin, what are we doing?"

"I thought I was kissing you."

"Don't play dumb, I know exactly how stupid you are, you're overdoing it." Andrew said softly. "Please tell me you didn't just kiss me because I wrote a song for Neil and not you."

"What? That's ridiculous." It was also true. Kevin didn't think so, Andrew could tell but Andrew also knew it was true.

Andrew took a deep breath "Kevin. Is today the day?"

Kevin looked up, wounded. Andrew hated himself for doing this to Kevin, but he had to know. Kevin said nothing, which was answer enough.

"Okay." Andrew said. "Okay. Then you don't get to do this. I can't take it, Kevin, I'm not strong enough."

"I'm sorry." Kevin said.

"Don't apologize." Andrew didn't want Kevin's apologies, he wanted to sweep him up and ravish him. He wanted to go out to dinner at an unreasonably priced restaurant and hold hands over the table and kiss him in front of everyone. "It's my own fault." 

Kevin looked away, his eyes wet.

Andrew sighed. "I'm going to retire."

"What?" Kevin's head snapped back to Andrew.

"I'm tired, Kevin, and I have been for a while. I'll write this next album, I'll go with you to the battle of the bands, but that's it. I'm done. I can't take it anymore."

Kevin was quiet for a long while, thinking, plotting ways to make Andrew stay. "When we beat Riko." Kevin said.

"What?" 

Kevin looked up, steely eyed and determined. "The battle of the bands. When we beat Riko. That's the day. You want a day? That's the day."

"Don't make promises you're not prepared to keep, Kevin. I don't care when the day is, I just care that there will be one."

Kevin's hands cradled Andrew's face. Kevin leaned down and kissed him gently, slowly. The fever had left him. Andrew's hands moved slowly into Kevin's soft hair. Kevin kissed him and kissed him and kissed him, and then pulled back. Andrew always forgot how green Kevin's eyes were until he was looking straight into them. Andrew fell a little more in love. Kevin said, with almost obscene sincerity "Andrew Minyard, I swear to you, I will keep this promise if it's the last thing I do."

Andrew leaned up and kissed him once, too slow and hot and open-mouthed to be chaste. "Go before I do something stupid that makes you do something stupid. You'll have your album."

"Bye." Kevin said.

"Goodbye, Kevin." Andrew said. He watched Kevin go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter of Horny Bastards And Stupid Band Dudes was brought to you by Megamind, free on IMDBtv without subscription. They didn't sponsor me, I just really love that movie.


	12. Chapter 12

Neil had learned the song the moment he got home. He practiced until he could play it with his eyes closed. Kevin was right, he couldn’t figure out Andrew’s notes without help, but he could listen to the demo as many times as he wanted to.

If Neil had been in doubt about Andrew Minyard's genius before he'd listened to the demo, those doubts would have been dispelled after. 

Kevin showed up much later than he was supposed to. Neil guessed he had gone to see Andrew first. It made sense, the business of a new album seemed to be more important than showing Neil the ropes. 

Kevin had tried to explain Andrew's notes, but after a while, Neil had gotten the hang of deciphering. Kevin had listened to Neil play the song a few times before he decided that the song was adequate. Then he decided to teach Neil some of the other songs. Neil thought he had known how to play Checkmate's songs. He was apparently dead wrong.

Kevin was unforgiving. He expected nothing less than technical perfection. Neil couldn’t afford to fail, being so new to the band. Sure, he was a little bit more established, now that he has in the press, but accidents happened,and Neil hadn’t done himself any favors by publicly reaming out Kevin’s ex. 

Sure, it was a struggle, but Kevin's advice was invaluable. Kevin was as much of a genius as Andrew. He had a perfect understanding of everyone in the band. He knew where Nicky liked to add little flourishes, he knew where Aaron liked to take shortcuts. He had no notes for Andrew, or himself for that matter. They adapted, apparently. 

The big shocker of the night came when Kevin took Neil's guitar and demonstrated how to play a particular riff that Neil had never managed to get right. Kevin had done it without thinking, but Neil’s mind was racing. Kevin could play. Kevin could play and he wasn’t playing. Neil tried to fit the information into what he currently knew about Kevin Day. He watched Kevin’s scarred fingers deftly pluck the strings. He had all but let his mouth fall open by the time Kevin was done explaining. 

“-that way you can switch faster. What?” Kevin had noticed.

“You can play.”

“What?” Kevin looked down like he hadn’t realized. “Oh. Yeah. So?”

“I thought...” Neil let the sound linger. It felt wrong to say  _ I thought you’d never play again _ .

“Everyone seems to. Just because I hurt my hand doesn’t mean it never healed. I got my surgery, I did my physical therapy. The doctors say I should have my full range of motion back.” Kevin wiggled his fingers as if to say  _ see? Just fine! _

“So you can play.”

“So I can play.”

“Better than me.”

Kevin’s smile was bashful, but there was a fiery, pleased glint in his eyes. He knew he was better, or he was happy that Neil thought he was. “Don’t sell yourself short.”

“If you can play, then why do you need me?” 

Kevin shrugged. “We don’t. We wanted you. You’re something of an unnecessary luxury.”

“Then why-?”

“Neil, do you think I’m going to be married when I’m sixty?”

Neil didn’t know where the question had come from. He answered honestly “Yes.”

Kevin smiled. “Fast answer. Why?”

Neil gestured at the guitar. “You love things too much not to.” He looked at Kevin. It was all too easy to imagine him in love, because Neil had seen it in every practice. Kevin was a lover, it only made sense that he would be one forever.

“Yeah.” Kevin said softly, more to himself than to Neil. “Choosing a new bandmate is a lot like choosing someone to marry. Or, it is for me, anyway. We spend most of our time together, we’re doing things we love, we should be able to trust each other. Except, in some ways, it’s harder. Do you think I’m still going to be in the band when I’m sixty?”

Neil didn’t say anything. It was hard to imagine Kevin playing music at sixty, but it was also hard to imagine him not playing at all.

“Not as fast an answer.” Kevin said. “The answer is: probably not. It’s harder to be in a band with someone than to marry someone, because you know, one day, your bandmates are going to leave. And yet, I have four bandmates, and I’m not married. Do you want to take a guess why?”

Neil did not.

Kevin huffed out a breath through smiling lips. “It’s because, even though the band isn’t going to last forever, for some shiny, golden time, we’re making music together. Why are you in the band? Because you make good music. I want to make good music with you.”

Neil was speechless for a little before words came back to him. “Okay, but why not get back on lead guitar?”

Kevin didn’t stop smiling, but it was a different smile now, it was hard to look at. Kevin looked down. “It hurts too much.”

“I thought you said your hands were all healed up.”

“They are.”

Neil understood. “It does explain why you’re not dating anyone.”

“It does?”

Neil shrugged. “You said it yourself, when you get a new bandmate, you know they’re going to leave. It’s a certainty. When you’re dating someone, you don't know if or when they’re going to leave. Not great, if you don’t like going in blind”

Kevin laughed in a way that told Neil he hadn’t entirely hit the mark. “Maybe.”

He looked at his stained ceiling. “Is that why Andrew doesn’t sing onstage?”

Kevin didn’t say anything.

Neil kept talking, not moving his eyes from the ceiling. “I know, it’s not your secret to tell. But he’s never going to tell me himself. He hates me.”

“That’s not true.” Kevin said. “He gave you a song. A good one. I’d die to sing this one.”

“Then why don’t you?” 

“That’s not how it works. He didn’t give it to me. He gave it to you.”

“You think this is his way of saying sorry for the knife thing?” Neil wondered out loud.

“No. Andrew doesn’t apologize with songs.”

“Am I ever going to get an apology for the knife thing?”

Kevin leveled Neil with a look. “Probably not. Look, Andrew doesn’t apologize. Not in a traditional ‘hey I did something wrong and it inconvenienced you, I’m sorry, here’s a gift to show I mean it’ kind of way.” Kevin’s Andrew impression was simultaneously terrible and instantly recognizable as Andrew. It was almost comically low and gravelly, but Kevin had nailed Andrew’s long, California vowels. “He’ll probably never apologize for the knife thing. Or for anything that you think you deserve an apology for. But if he spends a day being strangely considerate to you, it’s probably because he feels bad for missing a beat and messing you up in practice or accidentally bumping into you. And if he gets you food it means he’s sorry for a thing he said when he was annoyed or bored. If he actually tells you he’s sorry, then he fucked up, and he feels terrible about it, and you should forgive him.”

“What if he does something unforgivable?”

Kevin didn’t falter. “He won’t

Neil laughed to cover up his disbelief “It sounds like you’ve got this down to a science.”

“Yeah, well.” Kevin laughed too. “I’ve known him forever. Longer than Nicky and Aaron. You can only know someone for so long before they do something they have to apologize to you for.”

Neil stayed quiet. Kevin had only really known him for a month, and Neil had already lied to him about everything. “What’s the point of people then?”

The shittly fluorescent lights bounced off Kevin’s skin so that he glowed. His eyes were indefinable. Neil couldn’t stand to look at him. He couldn’t stand to look away. 

“What’s the point without them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil: It does explain why you’re not dating anyone.  
Kevin: It does?  
Neil: Yeah, if you give speeches like that at the drop of a hat it's no wonder no one wants to sleep with you.


	13. Chapter 13

Andrew had had low expectations for Neil Josten’s first song. He thought he would have to explain everything. He’d thought there would be a lot of hand holding and pointless instruction for a more-or-less middling result. He didn’t know whether he was pleased or angry when Neil managed to defy everything Andrew thought to expect.

Neil took criticism surprisingly well, which was to say, witout complaint, an with a lot of barely tamped-down rage. Every time Andrew made him play the song it was different. Angry one time, pleading the next, joyous after that, tired that Andrew was making him practice the fucking song again the time after. He was great, Andrew knew it, but he had already known it before Neil had played this song. It wasn’t anything special, it didn’t make Andrew feel any different, and Andrew told Neil so every time. Andrew couldn’t exactly pinpoint what Neil was doing that was putting him off.

Neil finished another amazing take.

“Terrible. I hated it.” Andrew deadpanned “Again.”

Neil seethed, Andrew pretended not to notice. He knew that this would be a single. Neil was a star, if this song didn’t have hit potential before, it did the moment that Neil decided to sing it. Andrew hadn’t doubted his choice, but he was glad that Neil had the good sense to prove him right. He just had to get Neil to sing it right.

Kevin was sitting in the corner, smiling like he was the one responsible for Neil’s talent. Andrew knew he had helped Neil out, but he didn’t know to what extent. Andrew frowned and held up a hand before Neil started. “I know you and Kevin are almost the same person or whatever, but you’re not him. If I wanted Kevin to sing this song, I would have given it to him.” Andrew was secretly, internally pleased that he had gotten to say his line.

Neil was gripping the neck of the guitar so hard that his knuckles turned white. So fucking contained. Andrew wanted that pressure released. He wanted Neil to snap. “Okay.” Neil's teeth were almost gritted.

"And try not to suck this time." Andrew called as he took his place on his chair. He ran his thumb around the edge of his armbands.

Nicky, ever the peacemaker, made his timid way up to Andrew's right side. Andew had taught Nicky his part earlier and he and Neil were in the process of layering their parts over one another. "Andrew, I think he's doing fine."

"That's not really your call, Nicky."

"You're never this hard on me." Nicky pouted. 

"Yeah it's almost like you're my cousin and I love you or something." Andrew muttered. "Do you want me to be harder on you?"

Nicky processed each piece of that sentence at a different pace "Yes? Actually, no, not really? I love you too, I- don't- don't try to distract me, what's really going on here?"

Andrew sighed. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Neil's the main component of this song. I just want to see him play it the right way."

"I believe you." Nicky said, in a tone of voice that said he most definitely did not believe Andrew. "But I'm always here if you need to talk about something."

Andrew sighed. "Thanks Nicky. I will. If I need to. Which I don't."

Nicky smiled and made his decidedly less timid way back to his keyboard.

Neil finished fuming and looked at Andrew for the cue. Andrew nodded and waited. 

Neil's hands were moving faster than Andrew could keep up with, the movements were frantic, but Neil seemed unhurried, as if he could go faster if he so needed. He looked up at Andrew and shot him a pinched facsimile of a smile, like a suburban housewife telling a friend that she really did like the coleslaw. 

" _ If I die today,  _

_scatter my ashes in a swimming_ _pool _

_ in northern LA." _

Neil played it insolent, a servant ordering something of a king, and Andrew felt something for the first time that day. 

_ "The water's always nice up there,  _

_ The sun is always bright up there,” _

Neil overenunciated those lines, rounding his mouth around the words  _ nice _ and  _ bright _ , turning them dry and ironic.

_ “It's always a beautiful day.” _

Neil softened up for that line, closed his eyes and believed it for a second. Andrew almost believed he’d actually been to Los Angeles.

Neil turned daggered eyes onto Andrew.

_ “I could use a fucking beautiful day. _ "

Neil threw his head back, carried by the music.

“ _ Oh and do you think the mercied fate _

_ Would be to slowly suffocate, _

_ Watching you do the same?” _

Neil’s voice was pointed now, he was singing  _ to _ Andrew now, not at him. Andrew was paying attention. His voice was considering, his face said  _ choke _ . He laughed and Andrew held his breath. 

_ “Oh, did you ever believe  _

_ That after you, that I could leave?" _

Neil turned his eyes back to the middle distance. That was probably a good thing. Neil was fake-smiling again but this was different, this was unsettling. Neil radiated pain. Andrew wouldn't know what to do if Neil had kept looking at him.

_ "I wish I'd never heard your name _ .

_ I wish I'd never heard your name.” _

Neil hadn’t stuck to the melody on the demo, he’d taken the end of the phrase up, soaring. The effect was something like an explosion or a strong wind, it was an invisible wall of force. Andrew wanted to brace himself. This was where Nicky’s solo was. Nicky diligently obliged with all his usual flair. Andrew scribbled down his notes

“ _ Oh and if I die today,  _

_ you owe me twenty dollars” _

Neil’s voice held no tone of misery, on his tongue the words became wry, teasing. Andrew caught Aaron’s snort out of the corner of his eye, Neil did too, because he barked out a rough, musical laugh.

“Ha! _ I promised I would die before you. _

_ Oh, and if I die today, _

_ Know that you have killed me” _

Neil levelled annoyed eyes on Andrew, no longer bladed. The clear implication of this look was stop being such a fucking hardass. Neil closed his eyes to finish the song.

“ _ You’re the only one I ever knew _

_ You’re the best thing that I ever knew _ .”

Neil finished the song, breathing hard. He looked up at Andrew, hopeful.

“Glad to know we hired you for a reason, Josten. We can move on now. Ten minute break. Aaron, when we get back, it’s your turn.”

Andrew didn’t look at Neil to see his reaction. He moved to his bag and got his bottle of soda, and waited for Kevin to inevitably make his way over.

“Those things are going to kill you one day.” Said the aforementioned dickhead.

“When I’m killed by sentient Coke creatures, I’m sure I’ll appreciate the warning.” Andrew answered coolly. The tension of the night before hung heavy in the air between them. 

"Neil is good." Kevin said. He meant  _ you made the right choice _ . He might have meant  _ sorry I doubted you _ , but Andrew knew not to perceive kindness when none was explicitly given.

"I'll have a song for you soon."

"I know you will." Kevin said. They still weren't looking at each other.

"Hey." Andrew said. Not gently, but Kevin looked up hopefully anyway. Andrew hated to disappoint him. "Don't give Josten tips on delivery. He really likes you, he's going to do everything the way you do it. If he's trying to be you then he's not adding anything new to the band."

"He's messy, he needs the practice."

"He'll get it. Just not from you." 

Kevin was silent. Andrew looked up, expecting that sullen sulking look that Kevin got when he was told to stay in his lane. Instead he found a smile. "And I'm the jealous one."

"You are." Andrew replied flatly. This was new territory. Andrew tried not to think too hard about what he was feeling in any given moment. Kevin, after knowing him for so long, could usually pick up on Andrew's emotions before he could do it himself. Andrew thought about it and came to the obvious conclusion. "I've got nothing to envy."

"Oh." Kevin huffed the way he did when Andrew didn't engage in the way he wanted him to. "Guess I'm just going to have to sleep with him then."

There was a few moments of silence as Andrew turned his head to look at Kevin.

Kevin looked at the studio, trying to keep from smiling. He lost it when he looked at Andrew, helplessly falling into a laugh "Your face!"

"You sounded so serious!" An absurd laugh bubbled up in Andrew's throat before he could stop himself. 

Neil walked in at that exact moment, which sent Kevin into hysterics, which in turn sent Andrew off. 

After a minute of slowly winding down, Kevin and Andrew looked at each other like they always had, no trace of awkwardness, and things were as they should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew laughs like "heh heh" and Kevin laughs like "BAAAHHAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAGGIGBURVBQ[WRGH[34T405U15)HAAAAA" and that is the scene that Neil "HA!" Josten walks in on


	14. Chapter 14

Andrew was sitting out on the roof, having his cigarette. The door subtly creaked open. Kevin probably. Andrew turned around. "I can hear your disapproval."

"Are you always like that in practice?" Neil asked.

Andrew turned his back on Neil, hoping he'd take the hint. "I thought I'd scared you off."

"Oh please don't tell me you thought it was going to be that easy." Neil grunted as he sat by Andrew. "Answer my question, are you going to be like that in practice every time, or was it just because it was my first song and I wasn't already used to it?"

"Demanding?"

"Excited."

Andrew froze. This was not the conversation he was prepared to have. He turned his head, slowly, to look at Neil. "If that's what you want to call it, Josten, yeah, I'm always  _ excited _ at practice."

Neil's eyes were shining in a way that left Andrew feeling… not entirely comfortable. "Cool."

"Wow, Neil, you seem disappointed."

"Oh I'm not, I swear!" Neil assured fervently.

"Jesus, Josten, I know, it was a joke." Andrew said. "You don't have to be so excited, you looked like you were about to jizz your pants."

"I never imagined I'd be here! I just got finished learning a song you wrote for me, sorry if I'm a little excited about that."

"I don't need a fanboy, Josten." Andrew muttered. "What happened to all the suspicion? I thought you were warning me not to mess with you, and flipping knives on me?"

Neil's insufferable brightness faded for a bit, Andrew wasn't as comforted by the dark as he should have been. Andrew knew what this was, he'd gone through enough music highs with Kevin to not recognize it when it happened to Neil. Junkies, the both of them. Andrew found nothing to envy in their obsessions.

Neil bit his lip and leaned away from Andrew. "Kevin and I talked. He trusts you. I trust his judgement."

Andrew clicked his tongue. "That's your first mistake. Kevin's past track record hasn't been great."

"That's why I trust him." Neil said, tone dark. "When people make big mistakes about other people, they learn. They have to."

This was a bit of unsolicited truth. Andrew was now in debt. "People don't say things like that without prior experience."

"No they don't." Neil said. 

"You get to know something about me now." Andrew said. "Since you've been so charitable."

"A truth for a truth?" Neil said, a burnished eyebrow inching upward.

"Seems only fair."

Neil leaned forward. "What if I want to keep you in debt?"

"You don't strike me as the sadistic type." Andrew said.

Neil's tongue darted out over the rim of his teeth Andrew tried not to follow the motion. "Maybe I just want to see you sweat."

If this was what Andrew thought it was, then he knew exactly how to navigate these waters. The longer Andrew waited to answer, the thicker the air between them became. "Is that so?"

"Not really." Neil said, as if he had just remembered that he was supposed to be distant and suspicious. "But I don't have any questions for you."

"All right." Andrew said softly. "Then shut up and let me smoke."

Neil obliged. 

The night was humid and cloudy, Andrew couldn't see much of the moon, but he could just barely make out the edges of its light behind the clouds. Andrew took an easy drag of his cigarette. The hot, sticky night air played against the back of his neck and made sweat bead up under his armbands.

The rain came slowly, Anrew could see it from miles away. Neil stood next to him, but Andrew kept sitting, watching the rain, watching the curtain inch closer.

"You'll get soaked." Neil said it like a fact. An eventuality. Andrew would get soaked. Andrew itched to prove him wrong, so he stood and followed Neil to the small overhang in front of the door inside.

The rain slammed down around them the moment they both got under it. Stray droplets of water clung to his legs and shoulders. They were close, Andrew could feel how warm Neil was. Or maybe that was himself. Andrew could make out the freckles on Neil's cheeks. Oh the press was going to love him. Neil was looking up at Andrew through dark lashes. All Andrew could hear was the pounding rain. Andrew blew out some smoke into Neil's face. Neil didn't flinch back like Andrew had expected him to. Layers on layers with this one. The thin stream of smoke curled around Neil's face.

"You liked that." Andrew realised out loud, his voice hoarse in its unpracticed softness. The rain was so loud, it felt rude to disturb it. "Why?"

"You'll owe me two truths now." Neil said, voice just above a whisper.

Andrew shrugged "Put it on my tab."

Neil raised an eyebrow. "You're awfully curious today."

"You're not answering my question." Andrew replied.

"Pushy."

"Evasive."

Thunder boomed, startling them both into silence. Andrew found, with unease, that he had been leaning closer.

"My mom used to smoke. The smell reminds me of her." Neil said. Andrew didn't like that he was disappointed with the answer.

Andrew offered his still-burning cigarette. Neil, to his surprise, took it, and a slow drag. The rain was falling hard around them. Stray droplets had landed, scattered, like diamonds, across Neil's hair. Neil parted his lips and blew a thin stream of smoke into Andrew's face.

"Scandal." Andrew whispered. 

"Don't tell Kevin." Neil whispered back.

The mention of Kevin made Andrew realize that he was leaning closer to Neil again. He leaned back, suddenly guilty. He knew it was ridiculous, he had nothing to be guilty about. He realized that Neil had been leaning too. He amended that statement. Nothing to be guilty about, yet.

This would be trouble. Neil would be trouble.   


"We should probably go inside." Neil said, as if reading Andrew's mind.

"We should." Andrew agreed. He dropped his cigarette and left Neil alone to the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew Minyard, Horny but Loyal


	15. Chapter 15

Neil was, in a word, confused. Andrew's cigarette smoldered in his hand. The rain pounded down around him, but Neil didn't hear it. The world around him was chillingly silent. He sat, leaning his back against the wall by the door, a good, defensible position.

Neil did not know what had just happened. Andrew had talked, and then he had left and Neil now had to deal with the aftermath. 

Neil's problem was, mostly, that there was aftermath to deal with. His heart, pounding like a battlefield, his breath coming in slow and shallow, his cheeks warm in the cold rain. Neil had thought the side effects of attraction were exaggerated, the romanticized thoughts of love-addled minds. 

Neil had thought that attraction could be done away with. It had always been done away with before. Andrew must have been different, somehow. Knowing it and liking it were two different things. He could only smell rain and smoke. 

Andrew had leaned in, Neil thought, for a foolish moment, that something might happen, he hadn't even thought about what might happen, just… something. Neil took a drag from Andrew's cigarette, closed his eyes, and let himself wish, for one second, two, three. Then he stopped wishing and faced facts.

The facts were that Neil still had a packed duffle bag in his closet, and that every day he stayed was a day that made him want to stay even more. 

The facts were that Neil was falling in love, not with any person, but with making music and with living in his own place and with the time he spent between running here and running away. 

The facts were that Andrew Minyard, the man Neil had been admiring from afar, the man that Neil had thought he was, had never existed, and that Neil liked the threat he had turned out to be much more. 

The facts were that Neil didn't want to go, and that was dangerous. 

The facts were that he had set a date to pack up and leave, and that he had let that day pass when Andrew gave him a song. 

Neil stared at the cigarette some more he began to raise it to his lips again. He stopped. "What are you doing?" Neil muttered to himself, and tossed the cigarette into the dwindling rain. He stood and went inside.

He got his stuff from the practice room and made his way to the door before hearing music. Neil followed it to another practice room. This was  _ Foxes _ , Foxhole Records' first and founding band. Neil had seen all of them around, caught a song or two whenever it got radio play, but had never heard them play live.

Allison Reynolds had range, Neil knew, but he'd never heard her lower register. He was pretty sure that she didn't sound like a man, so it wasn't her singing. Neil didn't know that there were any other singers in  _ Foxes _ . 

" _ And I see you around now _

_ And I want to ask, I want to ask _

_ Are you happy?  _

_ You never used to look happy _

_ But I could always tell  _

_ Guess it's just as well _

_ That now, all you look, is away _ ."

Neil came to the door and peeked in. Seth Gordon was the one singing the song, sitting on an amp noodling away complex melodies on his bass while Matt Boyd tapped out a lazy rhythm on the high hats.

Allison and Dan came in now, vocalizing but not singing any lyrics, just providing background vocals for Seth. The bass was really the star of the show for this song, it seemed, Dan's guitar part was easy and repetitive and Matt seemed almost bored by his part, but Seth's part kept layering and growing more complex.

" _ Maybe we, we could go back _

_ Back to being friends  _

_ But you and I, we were never _

_ No, we were never friends. _

_ Won't you tell me what you're up to _ ?"

The band stopped and someone else that Neil couldn't see started clapping. "Nice! Seth you really sold it!"

This voice was familiar and it sent a shiver up Neil's spine. Renee Walker. The pastel-wearing, rainbow-haired terror. It wasn't that she had done anything specific to scare Neil, it was just that she looked at him like she knew something, and Neil wasn't so sure that she didn't. 

It was too late to escape, however, when the door opened to reveal Matt Boyd, towering above him. "Hey man, can I help you?"

"Oh, no, I was just…" Neil short circuited. "..spying on you."

Matt let out a jolly laugh. "You're  _ Checkmate _ 's new guitarist, cool!"

"We've heard nothing about you." Allison Reynolds's voice rang out from inside. " _ Checkmate _ has been keeping its mouth shut." 

Neil kept floundering for things to say "We're, uh, we're good at that."

"Come on in, come on in, we're just winding down, this is, Dan, Seth, and Allison," Matt swept Neil into the room before Neil knew what was going on, pointing out each of the band members as he went. "This is Renee, she's writing for us."

"We've met." Renee smiled. Neil tried not to stare.

"Haha, yeah." Neil said.

"How did you like the song?" Renee asked guilessly. Neil felt like he was being tested.

"I liked it." Neil answered truthfully, he turned to Seth "You were great."

Seth yawned from across the room. "Tell me something I don't know pipsqueak." 

Allison, standing by him, hit his arm. "Don't be a dick."

"Get off my case." Seth grumbled, and Neil sensed a lot of hidden tension that he didn't want to walk into.

"Um, it's nice to meet you," Dan said nervously, walking to join Matt. In a softer voice, she said "don't mind them, they're just in a fight, it'll probably blow over by next week."

"No worries." Neil nodded. "I was just… leaving now, I just came to listen to the music."

Matt smiled and Neil was reminded unwittingly of a golden retriever. "Right on, man! It was nice to meet you, let me walk you out."

The walk outside to the parking lot was mostly quiet, but it didn't feel like that. Matt was a natural noisemaker. His fingers drummed on his thighs, his steps echoed in the hall, he hummed a little bit as he thought. Neil felt comforted by the sound. 

When they got to the parking lot, Matt paused. "I think its really great that you're joining  _ Checkmate _ ." 

"Oh, uh, thanks." Neil said. It felt rude to point out that Matt hadn't even heard him play.

"I mean, it's cool that Nicky gets to play keyboard full time now, I know that he likes it way more so it's good that he gets to do what he likes."

It wasn't a surprise that Matt was friends with Nicky, but this unselfish happiness for a friend made Neil like Matt a little bit more than he was expecting to. "Yeah, it is."

"Anyway, I've got to get back in now. See you later!"

Neil smiled and watched Matt go back inside. "See you later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil: Oh yeah, I met Foxes yesterday  
Kevin: Nice.
> 
> \--later--  
Kevin: Shit, Andrew we're losing him, he met Matt and neither of us have the raw charisma to beat him!  
Andrew: You mean YOU don't have the raw charisma to beat him.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riko is in a large portion of this chapter, and he is abusive and manipulative and a dick, and he and Kevin are Toxic together so please read at your own discretion, especially if these things are likely to cause you distress.

There was someone in Kevin's apartment. The door was unlocked as Kevin walked in. Unlocked wasn't exactly right. The locks had been removed, they were sitting on the floor in front of the door. 

The likely suspect was Andrew, except Andrew had a key, there was no reason for him to break in, and he hated Kevin's apartment because it was too high up. Kevin set his phone to 'record' and then called him.

"What is it?" Andrew's voice wasn't urgent, but it was wary. Kevin didn't call if he could text or email, so he knew Andrew knew something was wrong.

"There's someone in my apartment. I don't know who it is." Kevin kept his voice still and barely above a whisper.

There was a loud rustle of movement on the other side. "I'm on my way."

Kevin said "Stay on the line." at the same time that Andrew said "don't hang up"

Kevin patted himself down, looking for something he could use as a weapon. He came up with keys between his fingers like wolverine claws, a trick Allison Reynolds had taught him. He pushed the door open slowly.

There was no one in the living room. The next room to check was the parlor. 

At that moment, piano music began to play. Kevin picked up his pace. He got to the parlor and saw Riko Moriyama plinking his way through a piano version of  _ You Give Love A Bad Name _ . 

When he caught sight of Kevin his face split in a shark grin. he opened his mouth and sang. 

" _ Woah, there's nowhere to run. _

_ No one can save me, the damage is done _

_ Shot through the heart _

_ And you're to blame _

_ Darling, you give love a bad name _ ."

Kevin wasn't going to put up with this. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Paying a visit." Riko's voice was chirpy, bright. His hands went on playing the song. "You changed your locks. I brought a screwdriver." 

The screwdriver in question sat idly on the table. It was yellow and familiar.

"That's my fucking screwdriver!" Kevin realized out loud "From high school!"

Riko stopped playing abruptly and looked at the screwdriver. "Huh."

"I looked for it for weeks, you had it the whole time?"

Riko shrugged a shoulder. "Guess so."

"Get out." Kevin said. "Right now, this is ridiculous."

"Hmm. I don't think I will just yet." Riko said, Kevin saw him plant his feet on the ground. Riko grinned and tilted his head back, exposing the jagged edge of his jugular. "We've got some talking to do." 

Kevin felt the situation spiraling out of his control like it had so many times before. "Just leave. Please."

Riko's face soured. "I like it when you beg, ducky, but let me fucking finish." He dug around in a satchel by his hip and pulled out a nondescript manilla file. He tossed it onto the table with a flick of his hand and it slid gracefully across the surface of the piano. "It's a bit cliche but I couldn't find a Lisa Frank folder to throw you off the scent."

"What is it?" Kevin asked and cursed himself for not repeating his request for Riko to leave. "Answer and then go."

"After your new pet publicly verbally assaulted me, I had my people do some digging. Imagine my surprise when that investigation and another ongoing one met in the middle. Congratulations on sneaking him into the limelight under my nose."

"What are you talking about?"

Riko raised an eyebrow. "Don't play dumb, Kevin, you can't not know." Kevin stayed silent and tried to remember what he knew about Neil's past and was surprised to find that he still knew nothing. Riko was surveying this realization and Kevin tried not to show it on this face. Riko had always been good at reading him, right up until the day he had run away. "You actually don't know. You're either really lucky or really stupid. Look through the file."

"I'll look through the file when you leave." Kevin just wanted this to be over. 

"You'll look through it now." Riko said. It wasn't a request or even an order, only a statement of fact.

Kevin hated him. Kevin wanted to scream, but it was all he could do to not run and pick up the file. He stood in silence and Riko sat in silence, watching Kevin stand, face growing darker with every moment that passed.

"Fine. Be like that." Riko said, propping his leg up on the bench. "It's a really interesting read, I'll give you the pitch. Remember the butcher?"

Kevin tried not to.

Riko didn't wait for an answer "His little boy was supposed to grow up with us, be raised with us, learn to play with us. It's honestly a godsend Jean showed up when he did, he made an adequate replacement, but it was always supposed to be Nathaniel."

The process were starting to put themselves together in Kevin's mind, but he couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Spoiler alert." Riko drawled "He's your new guitarist."

"Neil isn't-" Kevin started 

"It's all in the file that you're still refusing to read.." 

Kevin tried to tune Riko out, he was trying to figure out what the hell all of this meant.

Riko was still going "I mean are you so stubborn that you refuse to look at the evidence that's right in front of you?"

Kevin snapped. "Can you  _ shut up _ ?"

Riko's facial expression shifted, almost unnoticeably, but Kevin's mouth clamped shut. "What did you just say to me?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry, I just- I was just processing- I didn't mean-"

Riko stood and crossed the room to Kevin "I come all the way here to show you the truth, and this is what I'm greeted with?" Riko's voice was still and calm and quiet. "What the hell is wrong with you, Kevin?"

"I'm sorry." Was all Kevin could say.

"Oh you're going to be." Riko murmured. "I think we both know who's going to win the battle, and then?" Riko reached up and grabbed Kevin's chin "You're going to be all mine again, ducky."

"I think that's enough." a voice rang out from behind them, it echoed through the room. 

Andrew. He was standing in the open doorway, standing five foot nothing, his face placid as ever, his clothes dark and ruffled. He looked like a god.

"Minyard. What are you doing here?"

"I heard about Kevin's pest infestation. I had to see it for myself."

Riko's hand dropped to his side, his other stayed on his hip. His bitch pose. Kevin realized how tightly Riko had been gripping his chin. "Yes. There seems to be a rat in the door."

"What are you- Oh!" Andrew gasped in mock surprise. He faked a laugh "I see what you did there! I'm a rat because I'm small and I eat Kevin's food. You got me. Get out now. Shoo."

"Fine." Riko's hand threaded slowly through his hair, combing it back. His hand flew out and grabbed Kevin's collar, pulling Kevin close before he could defend himself. He hissed quickly into Kevin's ear. "Minyard? You're dumber than I thought. You've clearly forgotten my promise, so I'll remind you. You do so much as unbuckle his ridiculously tight skinny jeans, and I'll make sure that's the last joy you ever feel. I don't mean to be cliche, ducky, but we're meant to be. And if I can't have you? I'm afraid that no one can. We can discuss it further when you're back in Allen Poe." Riko let his collar go and patted his cheek. "Good talk. You can put the knife down Minyard, I'm done."

Andrew was holding a knife to Riko's throat. "I'm going to call the police."

"No you're not." Riko singsonged as he walked out of the apartment. Slamming the lockless door when he went.

"I'll put your locks back tonight. With  _ good _ screws." Andrew said. "Are you hurt? What did he do?"

"He looked into Neil. There's a file. On… on the piano."

"I'm going to disinfect the bench too." Andrew said.

"You don't-"

Andrew stopped. "Do you want me not to?"

Kevin thought about it. He didn't want to trouble Andrew. He wanted Riko and every trace of him gone from the apartment. "I do. But that's not your job."

"It can be. It's not my strong suit but I disinfect." Andrew picked up the file and looked up, asking for permission. 

Kevin shrugged.

Andrew pored through the folder, eyes flitting over the pages. He snapped the folder shut.

Kevin waited for a response.

Andrew burst out "He fucking named himself  _ Neil _ ? That's not even clever, he just took the last part of Natha _ niel _ and switched two letters, it's like he was  _ trying _ to get caught. I mean, granted, he went through a few other names beforehand, but was he running out or something? Could he not look at a baby names website?"

Kevin, despite himself, laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew's next song: Riko Moriyama Can Suck A Million Dicks But He Doesn't Even Deserve To


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is supposed to be serious but the clown in me really popped off this chapter and I had to edit out so so so many jokes and I think I missed a few.

** _Who Is Neil Josten?_ **

** _By Randi Ramirez_ ** _ _

_ Kevin Day's new band, Checkmate, has never been one for flashy headlines or press gimmicks. Unlike Day's previous endeavor with his then-boyfriend and collaborator Riko Moriyama, Allen Poe. Day has now elected to let the music sing for itself, so to speak. It's debatable whether this press strategy has encouraged the focus on music that Day intended, but one thing is for sure, it has made Checkmate much less popular.  _

_ The members of Checkmate, including Day himself, are notoriously press-averse, ranging from uncooperative (keyboardist Nicky Hemmick), to downright hostile (drummer and songwriter Andrew Minyard). _

_ After all this news had been well and long established, imagine the music community's surprise when new Checkmate addition, singer and lead guitarist Neil Josten, started to make headlines with his fiery tirade at previously mentioned Edgar Allen star, Riko Moriyama. _

* * *

The moment Neil walked in, Andrew could tell that he knew something was different. He could practically see the hairs standing up on Neil's neck. Neil put his guitar case in the corner, the set of his mouth said  _ nothing's wrong _ . The panicked flit of his eyes said the opposite. 

Andrew had wanted to tell Nicky and Aaron. Kevin insisted that Andrew keep it quiet. Andrew didn't like it but Kevin's argument had been sound and bolstered by that annoyingly earnest gleam that turned off Andrew's ability to think critically. Besides, Andrew had had other things in his mind that night. After he had finished his business at Kevin's apartment, Andrew had driven home with Riko Moriyama's words echoing through his head.  _ If I can't have you? I'm afraid that no one can _ . What had he meant and why had Kevin refused to meet Andrew's eye after he said it?

There would be time to think on it later, because at the moment, Neil was walking, coolly, firmly to stand in front of them. He looked at Kevin and Andrew saw that familiar flash in his eyes, the one that came before flipped knives and raw music. Andrew couldn't tell if it meant Neil was putting up or letting down his guard. 

"You remembered." Neil said, almost a murmur. His face was wistful, tired, but Andrew didnt know whether or not to take it at face value. Everything considered, Neil had betrayed nothing.

"No." Kevin replied, his tone worried and ashamed. Guilty. Andrew wondered what had passed between these two that could make Kevin feel anything like guilt. Andrew felt, for the first time in a long time, like an outsider to Kevin's life. "I was reminded." 

That was Andrew's cue, he supposed, glad to be useful, he pulled out the file, handed it to Neil.

Neil flipped it open without comment and pored through the secrets held inside.

* * *

_ Josten met with me to clear up some of the rumors surrounding him since his explosive press debut. It's hard to know what to expect when it comes to Neil Josten. His reputation precedes him, but he's not the first person you look at when he walks into a room. He stammers though a greeting and his eyes fly nervously around the room. When he sits down in front of me, he seems so small in the large armchair, like a lost kid.  _

_ Seven questions in, I know exactly the same amount of Neil-Josten related information as I did before the interview started. It's like Josten is answering my questions without really telling me anything. He answers with the practiced ease of someone who's used to hiding information about himself. He's had no press training, but he dodges questions like a politician. _

* * *

Kevin's foot was tapping quickly on the ground, Andrew slid his leg over enough to gently knock Kevin's. Kevin's foot stilled.

Neil snapped the file closed. He looked up. There was something brimming in his eyes that Andrew could not define. "So." Neil said, Andrew tried to pinpoint what was strange about his voice. It was crisp, clear, still. Quiet. That wasn't it though, there was something else. "What now?"

"What, we're just moving past this?" Kevin burst out.

"I don't see why not." Neil said in his same flat voice. Andrew realized now, that there was no music in it. That was the strange thing. Neil who was musical without trying, had gone flat. "I've been found out, I know everything, you know everything. The only thing that really matters is what happens now."

"You put me in danger!" Kevin said "You put Andrew in danger! You put the band in danger! Neil isn't even your real name!"

Neil shrugged "It's close enough. It's better than the alternative."

Andrew knew Kevin didn't really care about those things, only that Neil had brought Riko closer to him. To be fair, Andrew was fairly upset about that too, as well as his endangered family and being lied to so entirely.

Neil frowned "Hey, I warned you. I warned you the first time you asked me to be in the band, and you said you could handle it. You said you'd had worse."

"Yeah." Kevin said. "I guess we were wrong."

"No. We weren't. Or, I wasn't" Andrew said. Both heads snapped to him. "You lied to us."

Some warmth flickered back into Neil's eyes, painful and  _ true _ and all Andrew could think was  _ fucking finally _ . And this had happened before. Neil opened his mouth to say something that would invariably be stupid.

Andrew stopped him before he could give something away that he wanted to keep. "A lie of omission is a lie all the same. Don't pretend you don't lie enough to know that."

Neil grit his teeth. "Fine. I lied. I put you all in danger. I was rash and selfish. So. What. Now?"

"Is there anything that isn't in that file that we should know about?"

"My mother's dead. My father killed her. I burnt the car her corpse was in." Neil spoke without undue pauses, like he was reading from a textbook.

"Are there people still after you?"

Neil looked away. "I have to assume. There isn't exactly any way to get them to stop, unless you've got contacts I don't know about."

The silence rang out between the three of them.

"Right." Neil said. "Minyard, I think I'll cash in my truth now."

"It can't wait?" Andrew asked.

Neil ignored that. "How long have you and Day been screwing around?"

* * *

_ I try and get him to tell me something, anything. I ask about his childhood and his hometown and his favorite color (which ends up being, exactly on brand) _

** _N:_ ** _ I don't think I have one, grey maybe? _

_ I comment that he's given me nothing this entire time. _

** _N:_ ** _ Well, what do you want me to say? _

_ I jokingly ask him to give me more of the fire he threw at Riko Moriyama. At least give me a good quote to put in the headline. _

_ He scowls at Moriyama's name but when I press him on it he clams up again. I decide to change tactics and ask him about his explosive insults and wonder aloud if he can show me some more. _

** _N: _ ** _ I mean, sure, I guess. What would I insult? _

** _Me:_ ** _ Me, if you want. _

_ And that sets him off. _

_ Josten rips into everything.  _

_ My demeanor _

** _N:_ ** _ What, did someone shove the sun up your ass this morning? And for that matter, why the hell are you so smug about it? _

_ My dye job. _

** _N:_ ** _ Patchy as shit!  _

_ My looks. _

** _N:_ ** _ It looks like someone took a picture from a photoshopped college brochure and slapped it onto your face without bothering to further edit. _

_ He somehow manages to deduce that I was a youngest sibling and talks to me a while about that.  _

_ He doesn't insult anything I haven't been insulted on before, but he certainly puts it in very creative, almost poetic terms. No confirmations yet but we at Loudspeaker Magazine see a writing credit in his future.  _

_ Surprisingly, after the awkward beginning of the interview, Josten is also very funny. The headlines have already revealed his wit, but Josten seems to just naturally have impeccable comedic timing. Our lovely photographer, Jeanine Koreninova, was practically in stitches by the time he was done, and I have to admit so was I. _

_ Josten has a very interesting voice. A stand-up comedian is going to have a very good time doing an impression of him one day. It's like he's always singing. It's no wonder Checkmate's newest single, A Good Day For Losing Bets is set to feature him. _

_ Josten finishes his tirade and I almost feel like applauding the display of breath control. He's immediately very apologetic about insulting me so very thoroughly, despite the fact that I did ask him to do so. _

* * *

Kevin spluttered "I  _ beg _ your pardon?"

"You are obvious and I am insulted that you think I'm that dense."

"And your purpose in asking this right now?"

"Mutually assured destruction." Neil shrugged, there was a savage edge to his lips now, something on the verge of that too-wide smile Andrew had seen him wear before. 

"You'll be dead long before you'll be able to tell anyone anything." Andrew said. Kevin turned to look at him, Andrew could see it from the corner of his eye.

"Maybe, but that's my problem. I think I've proved that I can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time. I don't think you want to take the risk."

"We're not going to tell anyone." Kevin said. Andrew didn't enjoy being spoken for but Kevin had told the truth.

Neil looked away. "Neither was I." And Andrew knew he was telling the truth.

Neil turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked. 

"We're done here, right? You don't have any more questions? I'm going to leave. I'm already packed. I'm gonna go ask Wymack for a paycheck and then, whether or not he gives it to me, I'm gonna go."

"But-" Andrew knew Kevin was about to say something stupid "-you'll miss practice."

Andrew turned to stare at Kevin. Neil did the same.

"Sorry… that was… um, reflex." Kevin muttered. "I don't want you to leave the band."

Andrew didn't say anything but he was glad when Neil voiced his "Why not?"

Kevin shifted a little. Set his weight differently, set his mouth differently. Andrew had thought, before, that Kevin and Neil had the same fire in their eyes, but Andrew had been wrong. Kevin was Kevin, and no one else, and Andrew burned for him.

"You make" Kevin said deliberately "good music." The words made Neil open, Andrew could see every bit of emotion on his face. Kevin had said this to him before. "And I want to make good music with you."

"And you?" Neil turned to Andrew. Andrew waited for the right answer to appear in front of him and when it didn't, he picked the wrong answer that appealed to him most. 

"Stay." Andrew shrugged.

There was silence again, but it wasn't, really, silent. There was relieved breaths and the rustle of Neil running his hands through his hair.

Kevin sighed and his hands flew to his hips. Business mode. "Besides, we put you in the public light, you're much more likely to get caught if you leave than if you stay. And also you have an interview on Thursday."

"What?" Neil's eyes were wider than they'd been in the entire conversation about his sordid past and possible death.

"Wymack texted me before we got here, you're doing damage control. You're meeting Randi Ramirez from Loudspeaker Magazine. They're nice enough for a journalist, they've interviewed me a few times."

"And what about this?" Neil said, gesturing to the file and then between the three of them.

Andrew takes a little pleasure in repeating Neil's callous statement. "You've been found out, we know everything, you know everything. The only thing that really matters is what happens now."

"What about you all being put in danger?"

"We're moving into concert season. We'll be moving around, with security." Kevin said "and after that we'll figure something out."

"And what, that's it? I can stay?"

"That's it."

"You can stay."

* * *

_ Josten opens up pretty quickly after the insult debacle, I think because he feels guilty. Either way, he answers my questions a lot easier. _

** _Me:_ ** _ How do you feel about your bandmates? What is it like entering an older band as a new member? _

** _N:_ ** _ At the beginning I was really starstruck. I was a fan of the band for a long time before I got invited to join. Kevin is a phenomenal musician and Andrew is one of the world's best songwriters _

_ He takes a pause and blushes. _

** _N:_ ** _ Or, at least I think so. _

_ He then proceeds to gush for a solid ten minutes about how great his band members are.  _

_ Aaron Minyard's ability to improvise comes up a few times, _

** _N:_ ** _ I can sometimes get pretty stuck on a musical idea and then if someone messes up or changes things up, I have to scramble to keep up, but Aaron just shifts, like, effortlessly.  _

_ As does Nicky Hemmick's explosive stage presence. _

** _N:_ ** _ He's just sort of at home up there, you know? He doesn't let us take ourselves too seriously. _

_ He spends most of the time talking about Kevin Day, a man who he seems to have extreme respect for. _

_ I end the interview not knowing anything more about the Moriyama incident than when I arrived. Who knows what Riko Moriyama did or said on that stage? Maybe he insulted Kevin and Neil defended him, maybe he just said hi and Neil jumped because he knew Riko was Kevin's ex. Maybe Riko asked Neil to insult him just like I did. And honestly, who cares? Riko Moriyama and Kevin Day are ancient history.  _

_ The bigger story here is Neil Josten, miracle, wonder man, fan-turned-player. I seem to have barely scratched the surface.  _

_ As Jeanine photographs him, he seems to not know any of the newer songs on the radio, but when I switch to an old classics station, Josten knows every word. I ask him who sang the Dua Lipa song we were listening to and he says Ariana Grande. He's a relic. He's my father in a twenty-something's body. For all his natural musicality, when Josten sings, you notice, you pay attention. _

_ One thing I can tell you about Neil Josten: he does not do things by halves. When he poses for Jeanine, he becomes a supermodel, you ask him to insult you, he will ream you out, and when the kid loves something, he doesn't seem to want to talk about anything else. _

_ Who is Neil Josten? Well, not who everyone seems to think he is. _

The article rambles on for another two pages, but Andrew doesn’t really care. He wants to know what Neil said about Kevin. He wants to know what Neil said about him. No, he decides, he wants to look at the pictures. He flips to the cover, Neil is on it. They’ve lit the photo so that it looks like Neil is a painting. He looks like he’s in a period piece, wind tossed, laying in the fake grass, staging up at the fake sky, hand delicately curved near the camera.

Andrew hands the magazine over to Nicky, who then reads through it and says something like “Aw, Neil, this magazine says you loooove us”

Andrew pulls out a notebook, and writes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin: Look I'm so sorry about Neil  
Randi:...  
Randi:.....  
Randi:.........................  
Randi: Kev, I haven't even met him yet


	18. Chapter 18

Neil Josten was bona-fide famous. Kevin didn't know exactly how to handle it. 

New fans were coming in left and right. Buzz for the single was higher than ever. Neil Josten might have been the best press decision that Kevin ever made. 

Wymack was thrilled. He gushed over family dinner on Sunday "He managed to ream someone out within and inch of their life  _ without  _ it being a press nightmare. Fucking smartass." Kevin watched the gleam of pride in his eyes across the table. 

"Kevin, you should bring him to dinner." Abby said, spooning more food onto his plate. "He sounds pretty imposing"

Kevin snorted, remembering Neil's whopping five feet and three inches of height. "Oh yeah, Abby, really imposing."

His father snorted. 

It was more serious than it sounded, bringing someone to dinner. He'd invited Andrew had only come over a few times, on special occasions. Nicky and Aaron had come with Andrew the first few times.

Kevin thought it over. Yes, he decided. Yes, it was about time that Neil came over for Sunday dinner.

Neil Josten's fame was making life harder for the band in a few more ways. For example, Neil was late to practice now after having to wade through the press to get to the studio.

"I think they're starting to get the hint, there are less of them asking me questions now." Neil said, putting his stuff down.

"What are you talking about, you're as late as you always are." Aaron drawled from the corner, scrolling through his phone.

“Oh, yeah, there was the same amount of people as usual, but I think they just like the bar.” Neil continued. 

Kevin didn’t want to know. Kevin didn’t want to know. Honestly, Kevin just wanted to get to practice and sing his new song. Really, he didn’t care. He so entirely didn’t want to know. Honestly. Kevin didn’t want to know.

“What does that mean?” he asked. Fuck.

“Oh, well, at first they were there because they wanted to interview me, but some went into the bar, and apparently they really liked it because they invited some friends, and now it’s like a journo hangout spot.” Neil said. “The questions are dwindling down now though.”

“Move!” Kevin said for the millionth time in 2 weeks.

“I like my apartment.” Neil answered, like he always did. "We went through all the trouble of buying furniture, remember? I'm not just going to move out!"

“You’re crawling in paparazzi!” Kevin said “More press is never a good thing.”

“I’m supporting a local business. I think the bar owner is gonna lower my rent because of all the business I’m bringing in.” Neil protested. "I'm gonna go get coffee"

Kevin looked at Andrew for back-up before Neil left. Andrew, infuriatingly, ignored him. Kevin grounded and buried his head in his hands.

Kevin had absolutely no clue where he and Andrew stood. After Riko threatening to kill him and Neil finding out about them. (Who knew how long Neil had known), Kevin was pretty sure the relationship had more odds stacked against it than either Kevin or Andrew had initially planned. Kevin didn't scare that easily, or at least he was trying not to, but Kevin had no way of knowing how Andrew felt. Well, Kevin could always ask. 

Kevin looked up at Andrew, and the option shrivelled up in the dry air between them. Andrew was watching him and sipping on an iced coffee, caramel, whipped cream monstrosity. 

"Bad for your voice." Kevin commented, half chiding, half trying to get a reaction. Something, anything. Kevin didn't know what he wanted, he didn't know what he was expecting.

Andrew simply kept drinking his coffee. It somehow hurt more than anything else he could have done.

Kevin looked away, clenched his fist, ran his thumbs over the scars on his knuckles. He shouldn't have wanted this. He was supposed to be getting better about managing his feelings. He wasn't supposed to be putting Andrew in more danger than Neil was. 

Kevin could still feel Riko's breath on his ear, threatening Andrew, threatening him. Kevin took a deep breath. He  _ was _ getting better about this. Starting now. 

He looked up again at Andrew. 

He didn't want to get better about this.

Kevin took a deep breath. He wasn't going to get better about this. "Andrew, can we talk?"

Andrew gestured outside the room. 

When they got outside, Kevin realized that he had severely overestimated his ability to string words together. He ended up with "is this going to be a problem?"

"Depends on what 'this' you mean."

Kevin ran an exhausted hand through his hair. "Neil finding out about us, what Riko said, I know you heard him, just… everything. Is it going to be a problem."

Andrew scoffed. "Well yeah, Kevin, it's going to be a problem. None of this is exactly ideal."

"So that's it?" Kevin said

"What do you mean?"

"It's over? You and me?"

Andrew's eyes widened a fraction. More than a fraction. "What- no, Kevin. It's not  _ over _ ." Andrew raised his eyebrows a fraction, less than a fraction. "Its going to take more than fucking  _ Neil Josten _ to break us up. I just meant that I wasn't expecting… all of this." 

"Neither was I." Kevin admitted. The air between them warmed a little "so where does that leave us?"

"You tell me. How long has Riko Moriyama been cockblocking us?"

"Since before I left Allen Poe. He used to threaten to-"

"Stop." Andrew said, sighing heavy, like he had just taken a drag of a cigarette. "I get it."

"I didn't think he was serious." Kevin said, he realized how stupid it sounded after he'd said it.

Andrew put his hand on Kevin's cheek and Kevin's hands found their way to Andrew's waist. "I wrote you a song." He murmured.

Kevin wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that, a song about him or a song for him to sing. He went with the most likely option "It's about time, I've been warmed up for weeks."

Andrew craned his neck upward, his sign that he wanted a kiss. Kevin snorted and bent down a little, not enough for Andrew to reach. "That's not fair."

"What, I'm going to kiss you because you wrote me a song? I'm not that cheap, Minyard." Kevin grinned. 

Andrew furrowed his brow and surged up. He must have been on his tiptoes. The kiss missed its mark and hit the corner of his mouth.

"Nice one, great aim."

Andrew frowned, his cheeks reddening slightly. "Shut up. You know, maybe you're right, maybe I am breaking up with you."

"Too late, offer expired." Kevin said, and then he kissed Andrew properly. He pulled back and Andrew was looking up at him, eyebrows furrowed slightly, the corners of his mouth tilted up almost unconsciously. He glowed in the fluorescent hallway lights. Kevin had done that.

Someone cleared their throat across the hallway. Kevin and Andrew sprang apart like shrapnel. 

Neil stood alone with a coffee and Kevin relaxed. "You really should be more careful. It's a wonder I didn't find out sooner."

"Well." Andrew said, he sounded more breathless than he should have been "Thank god we've got you around to keep us cautious." 

"Let's head in." Kevin decided "we've all got things to do,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin and Andrew are funny because they have convinced themselves that they're subtle
> 
> Neil, catching his 2 crushes making out: God, I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me.


	19. Chapter 19

Neil. Was. Fucked. 

He had come to a series of earthshaking revelations that had ended with the clear conclusion that he was entirely, utterly fucked.

Revelation one. Neil was still very very into Andrew Minyard. He'd thought he was on the road to getting over it but apparently attraction was like one of those rainforest pitcher trap plants, no matter how hard Neil struggled to get out, he kept slipping and falling back in. This was evidenced by the fact that he couldn't stop picturing that  _ look _ on Andrew's face. Like Kevin had hung the moon. It was in Neil's head every time he closed his eyes.

He couldn't stop looking at Kevin and Andrew, every time they were together, Neil's eyes were invariably drawn to the two of them. Something changed about Andrew's face when he was looking at Kevin. Neil kept trying to pinpoint what it was, something around the eyes maybe. Andrew seemed so solid all the time, so unwavering. He seemed even more so when he was looking at Kevin, like Kevin was rooting him.

Neil kept looking at Kevin, it wasn't like he was trying to figure out what Andrew saw in him, he knew what Andrew saw in him. Kevin was smart, and talented, and funny, and rich, and gorgeous. He had the whole tall, elegant, dreamy eyes, fragile features and perfect hair thing going on. He was America's Dream Boyfriend. Andrew had lucked out when it turned out that Kevin liked him back. 

Revelation two. Neil was apparently also very into Kevin Day. This revelation had been somewhat more earthshaking than the first. Neil hadn't even known that he could be attracted to two people at once. This revelation had come at an inconvenient time. Which was to say, while Neil was jacking off.

Neil was on his back in his bed, left hand stuffed in his mouth to muffle his moans and right hand around his cock. The floors were thin, and the last thing he wanted was to give a bar full of journos something to write about. Neil was very pointedly  _ not _ imagining Andrew Minyard. Where Andrew was broad and built, the man in Neil's imagination was tall and lean, dark haired and tan where Andrew was blonde and pale. The hands Neil was imagining on his hips and cock were slender, and elegant, and… scarred. Neil came violently, biting down on his hand, back arching off the bed, with the realization that the face in his mind belonged to one Kevin Day. 

After the pleasure had worn off (something that took a concerningly long time) Neil had panicked.  _ No. No no no. Nonononononono. Shit. Fuck. No _ . This could not be happening. Neil couldn't have been this stupid. 

With the state of things around him during the past few months, Neil hadn't exactly taken much stock of how his mother would react to what was going on, mostly because if his mother was alive, Neil wouldn't have been allowed to let things get this bad. Still, there was one piece of evergreen advice that always applied. Romance. Was. Stupid. It was unnecessary. It dulled your instincts, it made you take unnecessary risks, it made you buy things you didn't need. 

Neil didn't believe everything his mother had taught him, god knew he hadn't followed all her instructions. Neil had broken more promises to his mother than he had ever made to anyone else, but even he knew that nothing good could come of forming attachments he couldn't afford to break. 

Attraction was meant to be addressed, then quickly dealt with. Physical entanglements had never been necessary for Neil. And love? Love was to be avoided at all costs.

How had this fucking happened? Neil cursed. He had been careful, he had been so damn careful. He'd avoided Andrew, he'd threatened him to get him off his back, while reminding him of his relationship with Kevin at that, which had proved to be  _ some _ kind of deterrent. He'd been so goddamn careful. He was dealing with enough before the realization that he wanted to be the filling in an Andrew-Kevin sandwich. How was he supposed to know that you could have feelings for two people at once? It seemed like cheating. 

Neil had thought, a few times, in what was now revealed to be mistaken optimism, that the universe wasn't outrightly malicious, there was no plan to things, they just happened. You were just supposed to make do with the hand you were dealt. Neil no longer believed that. No, there was definitely a divine plan, and its purpose was to ruin the life of Neil Josten  _ specifically _ .

Revelation three. Neil couldn't go anywhere. He couldn't escape Andrew or Kevin because without the protection of the band? He was stranded. He was overpublicized and recognizable now. If he left, he was almost certainly going to be caught. 

Besides, it seemed like a closed door now. Neil was safe, protected by the limelight, why would he go? Neil liked his job and his coworkers. (Entirely too much, but that wasn't the point). Neil was making music and he was respected and living dreams that he hadn't even known he was allowed to have. 

Revelation four. There was no goddamn way that Neil could avoid Kevin or Andrew until the feelings died down.

Revelation five. Neil was a fucking mess.

Kevin opened the door for him one day and Neil stood still for a full 20 seconds looking for the right thing to do in that situation. Aaron shoved past him on his way in and jolted him out of his stupor.

This led to the big conclusion: Neil. Was. Fucked. There was no way around it. This was just the way things were now. Neil was going to have to get used to the state of perpetual fucked-ness that he now found himself in. No one would ever be as fucked as Neil Josten was now.

And Andrew and Kevin kept looking at him. Once Neil noticed, he couldn't stop noticing. Every time he looked up there were eyes on him, hazel or green. Most nights Neil looked at himself in the mirror and tried to figure out what they were looking for.

Neil threw himself into the music. He could feel himself getting better. He could feel it getting easier to sing. It was easier to find out what Andrew was looking for when he was singing. He'd have to learn some new skills.

"Aaron." Neil asked, before Aaron left the studio. "I need some help."

"With what?" Aaron said. 

"I'm trying to learn to improvise, like you do." Neil said.

"You're not going to." Aaron said, not dismissively, just matter-of-factly. "You're too flashy. The reason I can get away with it is because I'm a background player. My job is to move around you, not the other way around."

"Well I still want to try." Neil said

Aaron shrugged. “Just, don’t get too excited about what’s coming up in the song. Just care a little bit less.”

“Aaron, what?” Neil stared, the idea didn’t quite compute.”

“That way you can adjust easier, jump from idea to idea. If you aren’t attached to what you’re doing, you can just start doing something else.”

“That makes zero sense.” Neil frowned.

“Yeah.” Aaron sighed. “Andrew’s the writer, not me.”

Neil sighed too. Aaron’s sighs were contagious.“Any other tips?”

“You seem pretty solvent.” Aaron looked out the window and Neil followed his gaze past the piano to see that the sun was beginning to set.

“I guess so. Let me know if you think of anything.” 

"Hey Neil?" Aaron asked as he packed up his bass.

"You like Andrew."

Neil tried desperately to play this cool. "And?"

"You also like Kevin."

This was too much. "How did you-?"

"Didn't till just now." Aaron sighed "You three are so fucking complicated. Just date. All of you should just date. Or at least talk about it.”

"Well I can't do anything." Neil said.

"Why not?" Aaron shrugged. "It's not like you don't have a chance, they like you too."

_ That _ was news. "They what?"

"I've been watching those assholes for fucking years, they both like you. If you talk to them, it might solve all of your problems."

It explained some things. Neil had suspected with Andrew, but Kevin, that… that was new. Neil looked away and the motion shocked some sense back into him. "It's not an option for me."

"All right, whatever dude, it's literally none of my business." Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"What do you do… when you feel like this?"

"I couldn't tell you." Aaron shrugged, and he smiled a little "I told Katelyn the moment I figured out that I liked her. But when Andrew feels like this, he writes."

The words echoed in Neil's head the entire walk back home.

Neil had never written lyrics before. He was clumsy and melodramatic, and if he were Andrew he would have written it in two minutes, still, there was something good about seeing the words written out on the back of his crumpled take-out receipt.

_ Oh how can I go on now? _

_ How can I go on? _

_ Would it be better for me if I were good? _

_ Would it be better if I were gone? _

_ And god, what do I do now? _

_ Oh, what can I do? _

_ Would it be better for me if I were him? _

_ Would it be better if I were you? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any funnies today so I wanted to share a fun little tidbit about this fic. Something that I wanted to do when writing this, was sort of create this idea that sound=good, silence=bad, so if you go back and read through, you can see that I kind of tried to mention silence when things were not super good, and when good things were happening, I drew attention to the sounds that were happening. At the press conference, Riko takes Kevin's microphone, effectively making him silent. When Andrew and Neil almost kiss on the roof, the rain and thunder are loud around them. It's really clumsy, and I'll probably have to get better at embedding ideas like that, but I just though it might be a cool detail to share with everybody. Also! You might be able to use this for situation shorthand from this point on! So you'll be able to tell what's going to happen in a particular scene depending on how much noise description there is.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Juneteenth folks!

The Foxes were going on tour which, among other things, meant garage-hunting, the time-honored tradition of looking for old signs and pillows and general tour items in David Wymack’s oversized soundproof garage. 

Besides the largest and most varied collection of instruments Andrew had ever had the pleasure of seeing (all of which Wymack could apparently play), Wymack’s garage also contained several clothing items, books, sheets of music, photos, and ancient artifacts.

"Why do you keep all your tour shit in your dad's garage?" Neil muttered.

The foxes would take their turn around America and end it at the battle of the bands, after which Andrew would leave the business and retire to a life of domestic bliss. Hopefully.

Andrew watched Kevin smile fondly at the piled up boxes. "Free storage and sentimental value."

Aaron rifled through the blanket boxes "We always find some cool old stuff back here. There’s this horse doll that shows up every few years that’s full of coins from other countries.”

“Peso!” Nicky cooed adoringly. Andrew rolled his eyes. After being accidentally hit in the eye with what was essentially a glorified coin-filled sack, Andrew had lost affection for Peso Rupee the Coin Horse.

Kevin smiled at Andrew and Andrew knew they were sharing the same unfortunate memory. That fateful day, a year or two ago, Nicky had excitedly tossed the horse over to Aaron. Nicky, unfortunately, had terrible aim.

“Hey check this out! Where is this from?” Neil had found a photo of Aaron in front of his old frat. Nicky looked at the photo and explained as much “It’s hard to imagine you in college.” Neil muttered.

“I’m a fucking doctor, Neil.” Aaron sighed.

Neil’s head whipped to Aaron “What? Since when?”

“Since I spent all those years earning my degree. When this music thing ends up crashing and burning, I’m the only person here that’s got a back-up plan.”

“Not true!” Nicky exclaimed

“Being a trophy husband doesn’t count.” Kevin teased.

Nicky’s mouth opened.

“Neither does mooching off Aaron.”

Nicky’s mouth closed.

“Wow.” Neil grinned. “You were all, like, real live college students” 

"Not me." Kevin muttered.

“Andrew, Aaron, and I went together.” Nicky said, grinning proudly at Andrew. “He was a fancy big shot and so he scored us scholarships.”

"What did you major in?" Neil asked. Andrew tried very hard to keep his face calm and placid.

"Yeah Andrew, tell Neil what you majored in." Nicky teased.

Andrew sighed and ripped off the bandaid. "Musical theater. I majored in musical theater."

Andrew saw Neil’s head crane around to look at him. "You did not."

"I did."

“And Nicky was still surprised when he came out.” Aaron drawled.

"We saw him in Anything Goes, it was incredible." Nicky gushed, ignoring the jab.

"I liked him in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying, personally." Kevin said. His face was subtly smug.

"Andrew got the lead so we weren't allowed to go to that one. Kevin caught Andrew on the tour, he never stops bragging about it." Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Andrew remembered that night like he remembered most nights. Perfectly. The performance was going fine, and then in the middle of _ Been A Long Day _, Andrew saw Kevin, sitting pretty in the audience, black-eyed and bruises littering the elegant bones of his cheek, and turned in what was maybe the best performance of his life. There had luckily, been a reviewer in the audience to catch it.

"He won an award for his performance." Nicky grinned. He gestured to the miscellaneous box pile. "It's in here somewhere."

Andrew cursed the day he'd put that award in the garage.

That night had certainly been the most awkward night of his life. Kevin had walked up to him with his perfect hair and his perfect smile, looking delicate and broken. The first thing he'd said was _ you were great _.

The first thing Andrew had said in reply was _ you too _ . A few seconds of awkward silence and then _I mean, you were- uh… it's nice to see you. _ Andrew gestured to his face _ how did that happen? _

_ I fell down the stairs, too many drinks, you know how it is. _

_ I guess _ . Andrew had looked around, searching for something, anything to say _ And how's… you know _. 

Kevin's hand had absentmindedly drifted to his bruised face. _ He's fine. He's good. _ A pause. _ He doesn't know I'm here _.

_ What do I care _. Andrew had been harsher in those days. He was learning to be normal again, after Evermore. Nothing about the situation had been normal. How had Andrew been supposed to make meeting his old high school crush/best friend alone in a strange city feel normal. They had exchanged numbers, then addresses. 

_ In case you want to visit _. Kevin had said.

Andrew hadn't known how to explain at the time that he hated Kevin's boyfriend with a burning passion and so no, he would not be visiting, so he had said _I might be busy_.

_That's fine. You have my number now_. Kevin had smiled. _Don't be a stranger_.

"I thought you didn't sing onstage." Neil observed. 

"I don't." Andrew replied 

"Anymore." Neil shot back.

"Yet." Kevin added. Because he was annoying.

"Why did you stop?" Neil asked, then looked away like he wished he hadn't asked.

"Why would I bother? I'm never going to be able to top that performance." Andrew lied. Aaron groaned.

"What is it?" Neil asked.

"Hes always got a new fucking excuse. 'I can't sing, I have crippling stage fright' 'I cant sing, I forgot how' 'I can’t sing, my cigarette habit has made my vocal cords so brittle that if I tried, I'd develop nodes on the spot' 'I can't sing, my natural Californian accent has so much vocal fry that my voice is ruined forever' 'I can’t sing, god told me not to'-" Aaron had another one of Andrew's excuses on the tip of his tongue but Neil's face had broken out in an incredulous smile.

"God told you not to?" Neil repeated to Andrew, smiling wide and bright eyed in amused wonder.

"I'm not religious, but when the big guy tells you to do something, you listen, right?" Andrew shrugged.

"I'll tell you when I meet him." Neil said.

Here was the truth: his last production in college had toured, and on a trip to his hometown, he’d run into Cass Spear and the rest of her insipid family, and he realised that they had come to his show. Andrew had felt at once betrayed and exposed. That week, he left the tour, went back home, and slept on Nicky’s couch for a few days. He needed someone he trusted close to him, in case he fell apart. In those days, Andrew had been harder and more volatile, Kevin had been in Allen Poe, and Nicky had been the only support pillar Andrew had. He hadn’t sung onstage since. He’d had more than enough performance credits, so he just did spoken plays and dance-only ensemble roles until graduation.

"Did you dance?" Neil asked, grinning like an idiot. He was way too happy about this. 

"Yes." Andrew grunted. 

"Please tell me you have a video or something. A picture. A sketch, anything." Neil asked Nicky.

"As a matter of fact…" Kevin said, he pulled out his phone. Neil raced over like he was a six year old. 

“Wait you never told me you had a picture!” Nicky squealed, almost tripping over several boxes and then the air. Aaron was already by Kevin’s shoulder. 

Andrew turned around and pretended to search through boxes. He knew which photo Kevin was showing them. It was the stupidest photo Andrew had ever had the misfortune to be a part of. It showed him in his stupid checkered suit costume, arms wrapped around the shoulders of two men much larger than him, mouth open in song. Kevin must have snuck his phone out in the middle of the show to take it with the express purpose to embarrass Andrew for the rest of their joint lives.

Andrew could hear Nicky gushing and Aaron and Kevin doing their whole wry-comments thing. Part of him wanted to be swallowed by the earth, but another, smaller, softer part of him could admit that he was happy his family had seen the photo.

He got his revenge soon enough when he unearthed a large, pleather-bound book.

“Nicky.” Was all Andrew had to say. Nicky looked over to the book and emitted a high-pitched noise that proved definitively that he was lying about his vocal range. 

Neil’s head whipped up, alarmed. “What? What is it.”

“Wanna see baby Kevin?” Nicky asked.

Neil’s mouth fell open in delight.

“What? No no no no no.” Kevin moaned from next to Andrew. “I thought we’d finally lost that.” 

Andrew bumped him playfully with his hip. "Fair's fair."

Neil clambered over some boxes, limbs swinging about with no regard for his surroundings. "Oh my god! Kevin!” In a tone that meant he had found the guitar case photo. “Look at you in the guitar case!” Yep.

The photo pictured Kevin, age 4, sitting inside his mother’s guitar case, finger hanging out of his smiling mouth in a classic _ look at me, aren’t I cute? I’m a baby _pose. It was adorable, and this was coming from Andrew, who had long thought himself incapable of thinking anything was adorable. It was like scientists in a lab had sat down and objectively designed the cutest photo anyone had ever seen. 

Andrew had one single baby photo, Aaron’s mother had taken it before she gave him up. Andrew and Aaron hadn’t been cute. They were pale and sickly, and skinnier than any baby had business being.

Aaron probably had more photos of himself. It was a sore subject, and Andrew didn't care enough about what Aaron used to look like to dredge up old wounds and find out.

The fact that Andrew was a murderer didn't seem to bother everyone as much as it should have. Andrew and Aaron had spent a long time trying to forget about it. It had all boiled over one night in college. The twins had been drunk and wild and angry. Andrew had just come off his drugs a month earlier, and Aaron had been waiting for things to boil over the moment he saw Andrew alive after the crash. 

They spoke like they were trying to kill each other. Aaron had said horrible things and Andrew had replied tenfold. Nicky had cried. Hell, Aaron had cried. Andrew had cried. Still, when the sun rose that day, the twins knew more about each other than they had before, and the matter of Tilda Minyard had been settled.

Aaron left early for some mysterious reason that Andrew was absolutely certain was engagement-ring shopping. Aaron had obviously had some sort of revealing conversation that day he’d stayed back to talk to Neil that made him realize he wanted to be a married man. Andrew didn't mind. He was happy for Aaron. He just wished Aaron wouldn't pretend to be all mysterious. He was bad at it.

Andrew figured that Aaron would be leaving the band soon. After this tour maybe. He'd settle down and put his degree to use. A twin exit. Because the universe was not subtle. 

He guessed that meant Nicky would leave soon after. There would be nothing keeping him in the band, and he and Erik could finally move back to Germany.

Then it would just be Neil and Kevin. It seemed fitting, but it was still sad. Andrew went into the kitchen for a drink.

Abby and Wymack were having some "wine". It was grape juice, Wymack didn't keep alcohol in the house, but they had put it in wine glasses to feel fancy. Andrew didn’t hear any of their conversation, but they were giggling like little kids. It was nice to see Wymack smile like this.

"Hey kiddo." Wymack still called Andrew that, despite both of them being adults now. Wymack had been calling him that since high school.

“Hey old man,” Andrew said, because he knew Wymack secretly loved it. “Do you have any soda?”

“Diet. Kevin made me buy it because he’s_ worried about us _.” Wymack’s nasal impression of Kevin sucked, but there was warmth behind it.

Andrew shook his head. “He’ll never learn.”

“You’re telling me.”

And the scene was perfect. It struck Andrew that this was what he wanted, all the time. A sense of family, of history. The feeling of knowing and being known. The feeling that the people around him loved him, not because they didn’t know him, not in spite of knowing him, but because they knew him

“Abby.” He greeted.

“Andrew.” She followed, warmly.

Andrew pulled a diet coke from the fridge and went back to the garage. He heard off-key, joyous music coming from the garage.

"_ Cause you make me feel like, I could be driving you all night! _ " Nicky strummed on a baby pink ukulele _ "And I'll find your lips in the streetlights! I wanna be there with you! Ooh! _"

Neil kept bad time on a cardboard box "_ Oh, baby! Take me! To the! Feeling! _" 

Kevin punched the air victoriously to Neil's off-rhythm drumming "_ I'll be your sinner in secret! When the lights go out. _"

"_ Run away with me! _ " Andrew heard all three of them say it, they were horribly out of sync but it made for a great picture, which he swiftly took. “ _ Run away with me! _”

This was perfect. They were perfect. Andrew didn't smile much anymore, but he was smiling now, watching his family make music in this shitty oversized garage.

Nicky's eyes were squeezed shut in the sheer joy of screaming a Carly Rae Jepsen song at the top of his lungs.

Kevin and Neil were looking at each other, Kevin was grinning the wild, savage smile that always came with music and this garage, and Neil was grinning back, open and free and-

Oh.

Neil liked Kevin.

Andrew’s eyes flew back up to Kevin’s face. 

Oh. 

Kevin liked Neil.

Oh. 

Andrew liked both of them.

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me writing these cliche as SHIT closing lines: yes. Yes. YEEEEEEESSSSS *hits the enter key 2000000000 times*
> 
> Andrew's theater director casting Finch: Hmm. Finch is usually played by a shorter actor  
Andrew:*walks in*  
Andrew's theater director: PERFECT
> 
> Yes, I believe Andrew being a theater kid is out of character, yes, I also believe Andrew being a theater kid is 100% canon, we exist
> 
> Today is the day I out myself as a Carly Rae Jepsen stan.


	21. Chapter 21

Kevin lived alone. He didn't like it that much. He liked having an audience. It was why he spent so much time at his dad's house or the studio. So at times like this, when he was alone in his apartment, he talked to Richard.

Richard (pronounced the french way,  _ ree-shard _ ) was an aloe vera plant that had been grown from a cutting of Jean Moreau's. Kevin liked to think that all the loud piano he played was helping Richard grow. It probably wasn't.

"We're in deep shit, Richard." Kevin muttered. He was laying on his couch, staring at the plant on the coffee table. As much as Andrew tried to reassure him, they both knew he was living on borrowed time. The battle of the bands would happen, and unless Checkmate's performance was objectively perfect, Kevin would be forced back into Allen Poe. "What the fuck are gonna do?"

Richard unhelpfully continued to sit, motionless on the coffee table.

"I can't be fucking objective about this, I'm in the band. My boyfriend's in the band." 

Richard exuded skeptical energy. Kevin sighed.

"We're not talking about Neil." Kevin said. "I'm taken. That's not a conversation we're having right now."

Richard said nothing.

"Yeah. Whatever, he's cute. He's talented. He's got the whole fucking long-legged, blue eyes thing,  _ but _ ," Kevin lifted a finger. "I've got a boyfriend. A cute, talented boyfriend that can bench press me, and has those fucking eyes, and who I'm very in love with."

Richard sat on the coffee table.

"You're a terrible listener." Kevin said, and shifted to shove his face in the throw pillow underneath him. 

Okay. So maybe he had a crush on Neil. It wasn't a crime. Andrew wasn't like Riko, he wasn't going to get angry. Probably. 

Kevin shook his head. Andrew wasn't going to get angry because he was  _ Andrew _ , and also not a controlling bastard.

Besides, Kevin had self control, he wasn't going to do anything, he just had to wait for the feelings to subside.

It was just fucking hard when he fucking saw fucking Neil every fucking day.

Neil was a storm on a good day, a hurricane on a bad one. He changed everything, he shifted everything. He'd been a part of the band for long enough that his presence was no longer new, but not for long enough that they no longer had to adjust to him. Kevin was constantly having to rewrite piano and bass parts, having to anticipate when Neil would improvise, or launch into a crazy riff.

It wasn't just that. Not everyone had Kevin's patience. And by 'not everyone', Kevin meant Aaron.

"Listen, asshole, the parts are written right there. Try to get fancy again, I’ll break my guitar over your head. It’s hard enough dealing with Kevin’s spontaneous ass, I did not sign up for two of you motherfuckers.” Aaron’s voice was low and quivering with anger. 

"What?" Neil asked. Not angry, just confused. He looked around the room for support.

Kevin stepped in just in case the threat wasn’t quite empty, he didn’t want any broken equipment on his watch. “Okay Neil, I know Aaron put it in… less than favorable terms, but he’s right. We're all a band here, songs are a group effort."

Neil shrugged haplessly, like he couldn't help it. He was one of those  _ I'm sorry, the music just moved me _ types.

Kevin turned to Andrew, who was sitting at his drumset and being entirely useless. "You’re not going to help?"

Andrew didn't look up from his notebook. "You look like you're handling it just fine, babe."

Kevin blinked. Once, twice. Andrew’s face did not change, but he radiated smug energy. Kevin shook it off and turned to see Neil, staring holes into him. Kevin held his gaze for a moment. “Okay.” His voice came out hoarse. He cleared his throat. “Okay, let’s take it again. Neil, stick to the song. One, two, three, four”

Kevin turned to the mic.

“ _ Don’t tell me we're not enemies now _

_ It’s not that I love the fight _

_ Only that I like it when you bite back. _

_ Oh, and don’t you love to bite? _

_ It's always gonna be a fucking game to you _

_ Wish you'd appreciate the skill with which I play _

_ Couldn't count all the ways that I'm wasted on you. _

_ I'm happy to waste away. _ ”

* * *

At the end of practice, Neil went up to the roof. The band watched him go, then looked at Andrew.

“He went up to the roof.” Nicky said, like they hadn’t just watched him go.

“Yes.” Kevin agreed.

“Can he do that?” Nicky asked.

“Andrew doesn’t own the roof.” Aaron said, but kept staring at the door to the roof with the rest of them.

Kevin looked at Andrew, who looked entirely unconcerned with the matter. He’d answer any question Kevin asked him, but Kevin had to actually ask a question before receiving an answer. “Do you mind?”

Andrew paused. Kevin waited. “Aaron is right. I don’t own the roof.”

That seemed to be enough for Aaron and Nicky, who moved to go pack up, but Kevin knew better. Andrew still had not answered him, so he continued to wait.

Andrew sighed. “I mind. Come on.”

The two of them went up to the roof. Neil was standing, arms crossed like he had been waiting for them. He watched Andrew come out, but was surprised to see Kevin. 

Kevin looked at Andrew for a clue on how to proceed. The roof was a different world, it had different rules. Kevin hadn't spent enough time up here to know what they were.

Standing on the roof, the need to get Neil away from them seemed far away and petty. Andrew took in the situation, sighed, took out, and then lit a cigarette. Kevin opened his mouth to complain and Andrew looked at him. Kevin put his hands up. If Andrew wanted to ruin his voice, that was his business.

Andrew made his way over to Neil, who was at the edge of the roof, staring down at the ground. Kevin’s heart was palpitating just thinking about it. “I don’t know how you two hang out up here.”

Andrew looked down at the ground too. “Old habits die hard.” 

Kevin watched him offer Neil a cigarette, watch Neil’s slender fingers accept it, place the cigarette gently into his mouth. Kevin took in Andrew’s stiff shoulders, the deliberate way that he leaned away from Neil, and it all clicked. He bit down on his tongue to stop himself from smiling. He was full of overwhelming fondness for the both of them.

Neil looked back at him and Kevin felt himself joining them at the edge, staring at the ground. 

The wind picked up and surrounded them, chilling Kevin’s cheeks and nose, a deafening rush in Kevin’s ears. He felt the warmth radiating off of Andrew and Neil on either side of him.

Andrew looked up at them, at Kevin and Neil on the edge of the roof, and Kevin found his gaze just in time to catch the blaze in his eyes, his mouth parting in that unconscious way it did when Andrew saw something he liked. The light from the street illuminating him from below made him look magic, less solid, less stable, like he might evaporate into mist if Kevin touched him.

Kevin turned to Neil, who was still looking at the ground. The wind blowing his auburn curls into flight. He looked different on the roof too. He was sharp, alien. Kevin wanted to reach out and touch him. Neil’s eyes flicked up to his and Kevin held his breath. Neil took another drag of the cigarette and put his hand on Kevin’s shoulder, bracing against him to hand the cigarette back to Andrew.

Kevin’s skin burned where Neil’s body touched him. He couldn’t stand to look at either of them, so he just looked at the ground, let the smell of smoke linger in his nose, and wondered what he looked like on the roof.

Andrew finished his cigarette and tapped his fingers on Kevin’s other shoulder. “Come on. I’ll drive you home.” 

Kevin and Neil both followed him, unsure who he was talking to.

Neil didn’t live too far from the studio, so Kevin turned the radio on to avoid any awkward conversation. It was an old eighties station, playing a classic, synthy power ballad. Heart’s  _ Alone _ . Kevin grinned. It had been an old favorite of his, listening to old tapes with his mom. 

_ My love for you is still unknown _

_ Alone _

Neil made a pleased sound of recognition from the backseat, the kind that meant he was going to sing along. He drummed along to the booming eighties drum kit on Kevin’s headrest.

“ _ Oh! 'Til now _

_ I always got by on my own _ ”

Kevin grinned and sang the harmony.

“ _ I never really cared until I met you _ ”

It was pretty high and Kevin wasn’t warmed up, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. A singalong in the car wasn’t going to kill him.

“ _ And now it chills me to the bone _ ”

He caught Neil grinning in the rearview mirror and was suddenly reminded of what he had seen in that video, the first time he’d seen Neil sing. A love, a joy in music that Kevin hadn’t felt himself in a long time. He was feeling it now.

“ _ How do I get you alone? _ ”

Kevin’s eyebrows shot up. Andrew had jumped in on the last line, pitched lower than the both of them, improvising a harmony on the spot. Kevin nudged Andrew with his elbow. Andrew didn’t react, aside from a helpless shrug. Everyone had to sing, those were the old jam-session rules.

Kevin sat back in his seat and threw his head back to joyfully scream the next few words with Andrew and Neil.

“ _ How do I get you alone? _ ”

The guitar solo was as loud and epic-sounding as Kevin remembered, the car was full of the dorky air-guitar noises that Kevin and Neil were making, Kevin watched Andrew roll his eyes at their antics, but he was nodding and drumming on the steering wheel along with the beat.

“ _ How do I get you alone? _

_ How do I get you alone? _ ”

* * *

They dropped Neil off at the bar. Neil grinned, picking up the stuff he had, littered in the back seat. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Yeah.” Andrew said, waiting for Neil to shut the door.

Kevin waited until they were on the road to say something, letting the soft radio wash over them.

“So… Neil.” Kevin said, only half-teasing.

Andrew closed his eyes and furrowed his brow in a tired, remembering sort of way. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Kevin grinned, remembering the three of them on the roof, in the car, knowing that things would be good, for tonight. “All right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fellas is it gay to have an eighties carpool singalong with your homies?


	22. Chapter 22

Andrew rode the elevator up to Nicky’s rental penthouse. He played with the edges of his shirt. He was buzzing, punch drunk on Kevin, on Neil. Heart pounding, loud in his ears, warmth thrumming under his skin, he watched the numbers tick higher and higher on the small analog elevator screen. There was a familiar swooping in his stomach as he reached the top floor. He made his way down the hall to Nicky’s door.

“Oh, Andrew! Did we have plans tonight? Did I forget?”

“No,” Andrew said. His eyes flicked to the apartment behind Nicky. “I just… wanted to come see you.”

Nicky took one look at Andrew and knew how he felt. It was an old skill he had picked up with years of practice. He smiled in the way he did when he was picturing Andrew as a teenager. “I know what you need. Come on in.”

Nicky’s apartment was spacious and beautiful in all its architectural elements, granite countertops, creative, fashionable light fixtures, tall, towering windows from which to watch the city below, but it was also sparsely furnished. Nicky had never quite “moved in” to the place, despite living there for 2 years. There were still unpacked cardboard boxes on the floor, a reminder that Nicky Hemmick wanted to be somewhere else.

Nicky made his way to the kitchen and started pulling out the ingredients required to make hot chocolate. “Come on, tell old Nicky all about it.”

“You know, when you say shit like that, I stop wanting to tell you about it.” Andrew complained.

“What? Come on, you can’t just come here and drink my hot chocolate without telling me what the deal is, I need to know now!” 

Andrew sighed and took a seat on one of the metal stools by the counter. He laid his head on the cool granite and let the temperature ground him. “I like Neil.”

Nicky pretended very valiantly that he didn’t already know that. “Is that what this is about, Andrew?”

Andrew didn’t reply.

Nicky paused, considering his words carefully. “Well, um… I know you’ve got your whole… thing… with Kevin. But it’s alright to like Neil too. Your feelings don’t go away just because you’re in a relationship.” Nicky’s voice was soft and nurturing. Andrew pretended that it didn’t make him feel better.

“No, I know that Nicky, that’s not the problem.” Andrew said. He buried his head in his hands. His feelings towards Kevin and Neil were large, and strong, but they were simple, uncomplicated. Besides, Nicky had raised him to be too emotionally mature to be dealing with a problem like this as an adult. (Nicky had been too much of an example of non-relationship attraction for Andrew to be dealing with a problem like this at all).

Nicky chopped up a chocolate bar and hummed. “Okay, then what is?”

Andrew, for all his power with words, was having trouble with this one. How was he supposed to say that he was afraid to be trapped, rolling a boulder up a hill for the rest of his life. Andrew was leaving the band at the end of this album cycle, but he didn’t know if he could last that long. He knew that if Kevin asked, he'd prolong his exit.

"I'm just-" Andrew looked up "I'm just tired Nicky."

Nicky's already sympathetic face softened further.

"I like Kevin and I like Neil, and they like the band." Andrew said.

"Hmm." Nicky said, sweeping the chopped chocolate into the heated milk. "Well, I think-"

There was a knock at the door. 

Nicky frowned and walked to open the door. “Oh, Aaron! Now it’s a party. I’m making hot chocolate.”

Aaron walked in, his eyes widened when he saw Andrew. “I didn’t know you were here.” 

“I didn’t know you were coming.” Andrew replied. 

“It’s a good thing you’re here, saves me a trip downtown.” Aaron said as Nicky ushered him onto a stool and got back to his saucepan. “I wanted to ask you both about something.”

Andrew waited.

“I’m going to propose to Katelyn.”

Andrew turned to Nicky, who suddenly looked very put-out. 

Aaron frowned. “What? What is it?”

Andrew held his hand out and Nicky rooted around in a drawer for a five-dollar bill. “Nothing, keep going.” 

“Oh. Was it that obvious?”

“No.” Nicky said reassuringly. 

“No, it totally was.” Andrew argued.

“That’s not fair, you’ve got, like, twin telepathy so you’ve got an unfair advantage!” Nicky whined.

“They’ve been dating for years, you seriously thought it was never going to happen?” Andrew teased.

“So… you’re fine with this?” Aaron asked tentatively.

Andrew shrugged. “I mean no, but that has more to do with the fact that Katelyn cheats at Uno than the fact that I don’t want you to marry her.”

Nicky snorted. “Wait what? How do you even cheat at Uno?”

“For the last time, Andrew, that’s just how she grew up playing the game.” Aaron groaned.

“The  _ rule _ ,” Andrew intoned “is that you put down  _ one _ card at a time! Any more than one card is cheating! Those are the rules!”

"I see. So you're going to propose." Nicky said, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah." Aaron said. 

"So why did you come here first?" Nicky's question was kind but Aaron flinched anyway. He did that a lot when he was nervous.

Andrew recognized look on Aaron's face as the same that had been on his own face. "You want to leave the band."

Aaron closed his eyes, divot forming deep in his eyebrows, but his shoulders released some of their tension in their shoulders. "Yeah. I've already told Wymack. He said it was fine, but I wanted to know what you guys thought."

Nicky looked at Andrew and furrowed his eyebrows. 

Andrew couldn't keep it in any longer. "I'm leaving too. At the end of this album cycle."

Aaron and Nicky looked at each other significantly, a clear reference to a previous conversation they'd had.

"What about Kevin?" Aaron asked.

Andrew sighed. "He knows. He’s been too busy with practice and the battle to try and convince me otherwise.”

Aaron drummed his fingers on the table, a gesture of preparation. Andrew didn’t know if he liked where this was going. “And what about Neil.”

Andrew sighed. “He doesn’t factor in.”

Nicky frowned. “But I thought-”

“Yet.” Andrew sighed. “He doesn’t factor in, yet. One of these days, one of us is going to get our head out of our ass and address that particular catastrophe, but right now, Neil Josten doesn’t influence my career decisions.”

“God, I’m so tired of this.” Aaron grumbled. “You like them. They like you. The only thing that’s stopping you three from being a big gay sex pile is one mildly awkward conversation, that trade off seriously doesn’t seem worth it to you?”

“Sure. One conversation. And also the press, and also Riko Moriyama and his fucking cockblock surveillance, and-” Andrew’s face felt hot. This is not where he wanted this conversation to be good.

“Riko Moriyama’s  _ what _ ?” Nicky said, forgetting to rummage for mugs and marshmallows in the high cupboards.

“Forget it.” Andrew said. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“When have I  _ ever _ let you off the hook that easily?” Nicky asked.

Andrew grumbled for a second before talking. “Look, remember when Riko broke into Kevin’s house?” He waited for the nods from the other two men. “He made some threats about how he’d be watching Kevin. Kevin’s been spooked ever since, and that’s been kind of a deterrent in us becoming, as Aaron so charitably put it, a  _ big gay sex pile _ . Can we please change the subject now?”

There was some silence before Nicky poured the three of them some hot chocolate and plopping in some marshmallows. “There you go, kids.”

“So if we’re both leaving,” Aaron began. “Nicky, you’re going to leave too, right?”

Nicky blinked. Once. Twice. Tried not to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.” 

His eyes made their way to the wall behind Aaron’s head. The only picture hanging on the walls of the apartment was from the Minyard-Hemmick Family Vacation. Nicky had saved up for a year and a half and flown the twins to Germany to meet Erik. Aaron and Erik had hit it off immediately, bonding over video games or something idiotic like that. Andrew had taken longer to adapt, but eventually he did. The photo depicted the four of them in classic family vacation photo fashion, the twins in front pulling funny faces, Nicky and Erik standing behind them, looking at each other, lovestruck. Andrew almost never thought about it, but Nicky had been waiting too. For far longer than Andrew had been waiting.  


Andrew stared at his hands. “So. What happens to the band now?”

The three of them were silent. 

Nicky sighed. “Let’s worry about that when we get to it. We’re going to have to get through tour season first. Come on. Let’s see if we can find one of those movie channels on TV and talk through all the ads.”

“Nicky, just use Netflix.”

“No way, talking through the ads is the best part!”

Andrew smiled and took a sip of his chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil: Wait so you're all leaving the band? Why?  
Aaron: It's because of you. We're allergic to you. You're annoying and you smell bad. Choke.  
Neil, wiping away tears: I'm going to miss you too Aaron


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is probably lacking in this fic's usual quality, but I'm really trying for that "done is better than perfect" mentality

" _ Ah, look at all the lonely people _

_ Ah, look at all the lonely people _ ." Neil sang, plucking the strings on his acoustic. The street was still crowded with passers-by and traffic. Neil would never have previously been so bold, but now cameras and fans were the only things keeping him from being hunted and killed. It would probably be best, he had realized, if he had a reputation. Good or bad, it didn't matter, it just had to be widespread. 

" _ Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been. _

_ Lives in a dream." _ Neil pretended he wasn't singing about himself. This had been his favorite song on his mother’s Beatles CD, back when they were both out on the road. 

" _ Waits at the window _

_ Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door _

_ Who is it for?"  _ Neil had practically exhausted every chance he had to stay anonymous. He didn't know why he'd still been trying. He strummed his guitar frantically, trying to make sense of it all.

_ "All the lonely people _

_ Where do they all come from?"  _ The age-old question. The answer was, of course, that the lonely people made themselves. Eleanor Rigby and Father McKenzie existed in close proximity to each other could, were close. They could have been friends, or more, but they weren't. They were lonely because they chose to be.

Neil didn't think that was entirely fair anymore.

" _ All the lonely people _

_ Where do they all belong?" _

Neil's thoughts turned to Andrew.

_ "Father McKenzie _

_ Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear" _

Andrew scratching at his notebook flashed in Neil's mind before Neil banished the thought.

" _ No one comes near."  _ The lyric was supposed to mean that people left Father McKenzie alone, but it came out more like Neil admired him. Like, 'no one even begins to approach his talent'. Perhaps Andrew hadn't left his thoughts after all.

" _ Look at him working _

_ Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there _ " 

Andrew was tired. Neil could see it, but he kept going. For Kevin. Neil couldn't blame him. 

No one really understood Andrew, Neil thought. Not Kevin, not Neil, maybe not even Andrew. The forces that governed light and time were the same ones that governed Andrew Minyard. He was epic and unfathomable, and Neil got to see him be that way every day.

This was, Neil realized, not a good way to talk himself out of a crush. 

_ "What does he care? _ " 

Andrew was with Kevin. Neil didn't have a chance with either of them, warm cars and windswept moments on the roof didn't mean anything.

_ "All the lonely people _

_ Where do they all come from?" _ The age-old question. The answer was, of course, that the lonely people made themselves. Neil was only lonely because he chose to be. He wasn't stupid. It was a choice he had to keep making, every day, every second, because if he let himself slip, he’d drag everyone down with him, and it was a steep drop.

_ “All the lonely people _

_ Where do they all belong?" _

There was a small crowd gathering and Neil no longer shied away from the phone cameras. He tried to shake off his thought process and winked at the crowd, teasing them with the next line.

_ "Ah, look at all the lonely people," _

There was a round of chuckles and Neil grinned, satisfied. 

He caught a glimpse of himself in a mirrored building across the street. In the glass robbed the red tone from his hair and the rough edge in his smile. 

Neil didn't look like his father, and he didn't look like his mother. He was just a boy, playing a guitar for a smiling crowd. The though sobered him. Contentment made it easy to forget how much trouble he was in.

" _ Ah, look at all the lonely people," _

Neil's grin fell away. 

He turned his attention to the guitar, complicating the plucking pattern in an attempt to get his kind off things, but it didn't work. He was better at the guitar now, he had learned, he had been taught.

Neil fell into the last verse with a resigned despair. There was no need for euphemism, he was singing about himself.

" _ Eleanor Rigby _

_ Died in the church and was buried along with her name _

_ Nobody came," _

Neil's past was catching up to him and he knew that the chase ended with him dead. He was getting dangerously close to people.

_ "Father McKenzie _

_ Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave _

_ No one was saved." _

The real question was how many people Neil wanted to drag down with him. How many people did he want to leave grieving behind him?

Did Neil want to leave the band? No, of course not, and despite knowing that his departure would be best for everyone, Neil hadn't gone. The fact was, he had done this dance before. He'd had opportunity after opportunity to leave the band, and he hadn't. He clearly wasn't all right with being selfish, with hurting everyone around him, putting them in harm's way, leaving them to mourn him, so why couldn't he just admit it and stick to his guns?

That was it. After the album cycle, Neil would be leaving the band.

" _ All the lonely people  _

_ Where do they all come from?"  _ The age-old question. The answer was, of course, that the lonely people made themselves. After learning what it was to not be lonely, Neil making himself lonely again seemed like the worst option. But in the choice between his own well being and the band's, the choice was obvious.

" _ All the lonely people  _

_ Where do they all belong?" _

The crowd applauded and waited a few moments for Neil to start playing again only to disperse when he didn't. He now had a guitar case full of loose change. He began to pack up.

"Excuse me?" Came a small, high voice. "Sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm a big Checkmate fan?"

Neil repressed the urge to turn tail and run. He turned to face the girl, she was short, but taller than him. She looked about his age. "Oh yeah?"

"Uh-huh." She said, getting a little louder. She held out a baseball cap and a silver Sharpie. "Can I get an autograph?"

Neil tried not to sputter like an idiot. “Yeah, uh, sure. Sorry if it’s bad, this is my first autograph, no one’s really asked me for one yet.”

“I don’t know if it's possible have a bad autograph.” She fiddled with the buzzed sides of her head. Neil scribbled a shoddy signature onto the hat and held it out to her. “Yeah, see, it looks cool!”

Neil couldn’t stop a smile from rising onto his face. “Thanks.”

She grinned too. “Hey, that’s my line.” She turned around and walked off along the street sidewalk.

“Well, isn’t that sweet.” Came a voice from a few feet away. Riko Moriyama, looking fashionable in an oversized jacket, falling off of his shoulders, highlighting a complicated-looking black top, revealing artful patches of skin. He boosted his height with the chunky boots hiding the bottom of his black skinny jeans. He made Neil, in his hoodie and jorts, feel inadequate. “Welcome to the club, Josten.” 

“Fancy meeting you here, dickwad.” Neil replied. “What brings you this way?”

“Hmm. I see you’re going to be like that. You can either get in the car voluntarily, or I can have my bodyguard collect you. You’re ending up in the car either way.”

Neil frowned. He considered his options. He got in the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The girl: I don’t know if it's possible have a bad autograph  
(Neil signs the hat)  
The girl:  
The girl: Okay so it's possible.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so here's the deal with song lyrics: Any song by Checkmate, Foxes, Allen Poe, or Neil, I wrote. Any mentions of covers of songs that weren't written by those people/ bands? Those were written by much more talented songwriters.
> 
> Please? Some Kudos and Comments for a poor orphan boy?


End file.
